Q: I left my husband two years ago. He had been both verbally and physically abusive to me for most of our 12 years of marriage. Now I have another problem. My three children are starting to abuse me, particularly my oldest boy. I am just sick about all of this. I would like it to stop. Do you have any suggestions?
A: The first question you have to ask yourself is why it took you so long to leave someone who was abusing you. This is a difficult question, but the answer might help you deal with your children.
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Many women who seek refuge from their abusive husbands at a shelter end up going back home. There are various reasons, but sometimes women return to an abusive relationship because they are afraid that the abuser will fall to pieces if they don’t. Isn’t that amazing? Women are prepared to risk their health and safety because someone needs them.
I wonder if the same happened to you and you stayed in an abusive relationship because you knew how weak and vulnerable your husband was.
If so, you have some work to do. I expect you had to dredge up a pile of courage to leave the marriage, and I hope that you are commending yourself for your determination.
Now the change you have to make has to do with your children and rebuilding different relationships with them. They need more than your sensitivity and caring. They need to know that you are a person within your own right, that you have hopes and dreams and that you have every right to expect respect.
You need to become assertive, which does not mean screaming, shouting and demanding your own way. Being assertive means clarifying your dreams. It also means separating your personal dreams from the ones you have for your family.
Everyone has dreams for their families and you are sacrificing time, energy and money to help fulfil your need to provide a decent home for you and the children. No one can criticize you for that. But you must devote part of your life to pursue a dream based solely on your drive for fulfilment as a person. The clearer you are about your personal dreams, the more likely you will find a way to make them happen.
This will be new for your children, and they may fall apart for a while when you make your dreams known to them.
Being assertive may be what it takes to help your children shed those many lessons of abuse their dad so carefully taught them. You are the role model. By not putting up with any disrespect from the children, you help them build more respect for you and for all of those other interpersonal relationships that are waiting in their futures.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
