Q: Our daughter left her alcoholic husband three years ago. Our problem is her son. We think that he has more control over our daughter than a 12-year-old should have.
When our daughter’s husband first left, her son was the little man about the house, comforting his distressed mother. Now he appears to be the major decision maker. He chose the apartment they rent, makes up the grocery list, picks out their cell phones, and even decides if and when he will see his father, who is now sober.
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We think that this is too much. What do you think?
A: Most parents would love to have their children take more responsibility around the house. The usual complaint is that the kids do not do enough to keep things going.
But what is happening at your daughter’s house is something different. Your grandson appears to be more of a parent to her than she is to him. That role reversal can carry long-term consequences for them.
This likely started long before your daughter separated from her husband. It may be an attachment disorder, which means that her son does not know how to properly get his needs met from those with whom he is living.
Somewhere along the way the boy got the message that his world was not safe. Turmoil either from his dad’s drinking or his parents’ disagreements got in the way and he did not get the reassurance he needed.
The option for your grandson was to learn not to depend on others for his well-being and take control of as much as possible for himself. The older he got, the more control he tried to take.
The problem is that while he is busy trying to run the household, he is not outside playing with the other kids. He is not doing the silly things that all of us need to do as we grow up. And he is not learning to separate himself from his mom. He cannot control her and separate from her all at the same time.
In fact, he is missing two important steps in growing up – learning how to get along with his peers and learning how to get along without his family.
I suspect your daughter is in her own way trying to make up for some of the difficult times everyone in the family had. But she should probably start taking back her rights as a parent and begin controlling her household.
The more she starts to make the decisions, relieving her son of that responsibility, the more she will give him the freedom to learn to depend on others in his world. She needs to open the doors of the larger community for him to explore.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
