Q: We are not sure what to do about our dad. Mom’s birthday is coming up in a few weeks. She died, unexpectedly, about seven months ago. My dad seems to be doing OK. He has his ups and downs, but when something like a birthday, or an anniversary or any kind of a special day comes along, he falls to pieces. I’m worried about him. Do you have any suggestions?
A: I think that having you around to support your father through a difficult time in his life must be special for him. He may not show his appreciation at the moment, but I suspect it is there, and that your support helps more than you can possibly realize.
Read Also
Stock dogs show off herding skills at Ag in Motion
Stock dogs draw a crowd at Ag in Motion. Border collies and other herding breeds are well known for the work they do on the farm.
Your father is grieving. It is a simple and natural thing for him to do. The problem is not that he is grieving. The problem is that in our world we sometimes do not know how to support people when they are doing it. The tendency is to expect people to stop grieving after the funeral is over. But it does not work that way.
Grieving over the death of someone as important to your father as your mother was takes a long time. He may never get over it. That does not mean that he has to give up on everything for which he is responsible. It just means that he may have moments for many years to come when he will have a memory or a sad reminder of his loneliness.
Grief is like a wave in the ocean. It starts to rise, peaks, slides away and starts to rise again. Hopefully, as time passes, and as your father adjusts to your mother not being present for him, the waves of grief will be less frequent, perhaps even less overwhelming.
You can help in many ways. The first and most important is to let him know that you understand that he is grieving. That should not be too hard. My guess is that you are grieving for your mother as well. You can share some of the more enjoyable memories each of you has from when she was alive.
The second way to help is to be sensitive to your father. You have
already noticed that he has his most difficult times when an important anniversary date comes. Maybe you should help him with chores on those days. When he is having a moment or two of intense grief, he may not be as focused as he could be, so he should not be working around heavy machinery or temperamental animals. He could lose his concentration and have an accident.
Finally, you can help him by simply listening to him, even if he happens not to be saying much at the time. People grieving do not need our words of wisdom or our condolences. They only need to know that we are there for them, and that we are willing to listen to them if they should choose to share a moment of their grief with us.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
