When I was a child, my father’s parents lived with us. I appreciated their presence because of the extra attention I got. The brunt of their care fell on my mother, who was their daughter-in-law. My father worked full time out of the house, and my mother also worked part-time, but she had to handle the sometimes delicate job of two women of two generations and two different life experiences sharing the house, especially the kitchen. But as a child I was never aware of both the challenge and rewards that came from multi-generation living.
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Full Circle, Experiences With An Aging Parent, by Judith Lee-Hoffer, reminded me of how having an aging relative live with you can be enriching, yet at times demanding. Lee-Hofffer’s mother lived with her and her husband for 16 years until the early 1990s when she died at the age of 92. The book is published by Detselig Enterprises Ltd., Calgary, 1992.
We hear a lot about elder abuse. This usually happens when a caregiver does not have any support from anyone else, so the tensions of caring for a family member have no place to go except against the person receiving the care.
This abuse tends to be mainly emotional and physical outbursts, rather than financial manipulations.
Lee-Hoffer is honest about when she reached her limitations some days, but also had the insight and the resources to call on friends
and family to give her breaks from being on duty.
Here is her philosophy.
“Everything considered, each one of us has done the very best we can at any given moment in time. This doesn’t mean we don’t all, including our parents, make mistakes despite our good intentions. Some people may have been hurt a great deal by their parents. If so, they need to give themselves opportunities to heal from those hurts. One of the most loving things to do may be to acknowledge you and your parents’ need for some distance apart.
“Professional caregivers, not held back by a shared history, may be better able to provide your parents with quality care. You then are free to use your contact with your parents to come to terms with the past, and create the best possible relationships in the present. Given the opportunity, aging parents are often eager to make amends. Old or young, it is crucial to our well being to become realistic and accepting of each other’s limitations as well.”
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. He can be contacted through his website at www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
