A few years ago I was coaching a farm couple over the phone. During previous sessions we had covered their values, life goals, financial plans and marketing strategy for their organic dairy products. This time we were talking about communication, and how they could make their good marriage even better.
Jim truly loved Helen and showed it by working hard. He made sure they had enough money for her to pursue personal interests such as art classes, and to take at least three weeks of family holidays every year. About the only thing he didn’t
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do to show his love was tell her he loved her.
During the coaching session, I guided Jim to work up the courage to say the words. When he eventually managed to get them out, Helen, on the other extension, began to cry.
Here is part of a letter I got from another woman. It is fairly typical of e-mails I get from women who discover my www.midlife-men.com website.
Dear Noel,
My husband has never been one to let me know how he feels about me … even after all these years. He almost never compliments me if I do something extra special for him. I never even hear about it. He cannot express his feelings for me and I don’t understand.
I ask him to just let me know how he feels in his heart and he cops out and says he doesn’t know how to express himself.
Unfortunately, just because he comes home every night doesn’t mean to me that he loves me. This has become a very big issue over the years because I’m very verbal about my feelings for him and enjoy letting him know how I feel about him.
I know his dad never discussed feelings with any of the family, nor did he ever hand out compliments or praise of any kind. He was a very hard man to live with.
I suggested to my husband that I make him a list of things he could say from time to time … to give him some sort of clue as to what I’m expecting. Is this a bad idea? I feel desperate, at times, for acknowledgement and words of love but my husband (a good man) seems to have no need of any of that and can’t see why I would. I know I’m going through menopause, but is he?
Thanks for your time. Sarah
These men are not unique. Many men struggle to compliment family members, or say words of endearment to their wives. Maybe it is because their dads never said it to them. It is almost as though they fear something horrible will happen if they say the words.
Whatever the reason, it works against us. According to Shaunti Feldhahn in her book For Women Only : What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men, women want to know (hear) they are loved, more than anything else. Men want to know (hear) they are respected. A man might know he is respected if he is relied upon, asked to do special tasks, and in general treated in a respectful manner. Although he likes to be told he is doing a good job, he can live without it if he is treated with respect. But he must receive some kind of recognition.
I have met many men whose fathers neither said nor did anything to show their sons they respected and appreciated them, and long after their fathers are dead, these sons still wish they had got some kind of praise from their dads.
A woman wants to hear she is loved appreciated, respected, cherished and wanted. As do we all.
So here is a suggestion:
If you are a man, risk telling your wife you love her, she is desirable, she is a great wife, you appreciate her and she still makes your heart beat a little faster. Chances are, you’ll like the consequences.
If you are a woman, cut your man a little slack, and while you are waiting for him to get up the gumption to say it outright, allow that the
special things he does for you – changing the oil in your car and fixing stuff around the house – are his way of showing he loves and
appreciates you.
The thing Feldhahn learned from the men she interviewed was that the most important thing to them was that their wives know they love them deeply. They just couldn’t seem to say it.
Edmonton-based Noel McNaughton is a former broadcaster and rancher who
lectures on farm lifestyle issues at agriculture conventions and for corporations. He can be reached at 780-432-5492, e-mail:noel@midlife-men.com, or visit www.midlife-men.com.
