It had started out innocently enough.
Shirley had come home from her agent’s job at the insurance brokerage in town, upset about an e-mail from the regional office saying they were to start promoting a home insurance package with a new company. She thought it was a poorer value than the one they had been offering their clients. The new company paid higher commissions, which was why the regional office was promoting it.
When Shirley mentioned this to Jess, his response was, “why don’t you just keep selling the old package?” Shirley said she would be penalized if she did, and she didn’t want to lose her job.
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“Well then write the regional office and tell them why you don’t want to sell it,” was Jess’s next comment. His gut told him something wasn’t going well here, but he wasn’t sure what.
“Oh just forget it.” Shirley was angry now, and stomped off to the bedroom to change into her jeans.
The problem was Jess was using “man talk.” He didn’t know about the three magic words that could have made a whole different conversation.
When we men talk to each other, usually it’s an exchange of information. It could be sports, business strategies, crop varieties or the best brand names for equipment. In fact, often there is a subtle competition going on, where the man with the most data “wins” the conversation.
If a man has a problem, other men will offer a solution. There is nothing wrong with this, because normally we have mulled the situation over in our minds, and by the time we mention it to another man, we have either come up with a solution and want to see what others think, or we haven’t come up with a solution and we want some help.
But if we are in a conversation with a woman, it’s a different story.
Women use conversation in a whole different way. Mainly they converse as a form of relating and building bonds with each other.
If a woman has a problem, she often mulls it over out loud. She just needs someone to listen while she talks about what’s upsetting her. She does not want a solution to be offered, unless she specifically asks for it.
It took me quite a while to figure this out. When I did, conversations between Elizabeth and me went better.
So here are the three magic words you can use when your wife is troubled about something and wants to talk to you about it: “Tell me more.”
That’s it. Simple, yes?
Now, let’s go back to Jess and Shirley. She says, “I don’t know what to do. We got a directive from the regional office today saying we should start promoting the Golden Key home policy from Acme Insurance, a new company we are representing. But it’s not as good a package as the one we’ve been selling from Amazing Insurance Corp. Acme pays higher commissions though, so the company wants us to push it.”
Jess says “tell me more” and then of course actually listens to what she says.
As the conversation carries on, Jess can add questions that will help Shirley process the problem, such as “how did that work?” or “where will you go from here?” or “what would you like to happen?”
The next time your wife is talking about something that’s bothering her, try “tell me more'” and see whether she doesn’t appreciate you for it.
Edmonton-based Noel McNaughton speaks at conventions and for corporations on Farming/Ranching at Midlife Ñ Strategies for a Successful Second Age. He can be reached at 780-432-5492, e-mail noel@midlife-men.com or visit www.midlife-men.com.
