Q: I first learned about spouse abuse at a women’s workshop. Until then, I didn’t know what it really was. I began to be more assertive and take better care of myself. I wouldn’t automatically agree or go along with my husband.
But the more changes I made, the more abusive he became. He would threaten to leave, then agree to counselling, and things would be OK for a while. Then he’d slip back into his old patterns. We saw many different counsellors as a couple. The first said I was selfless. The last said I was too assertive. I said that was the best news I’d heard, and that from then on, I’d be OK.
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My marriage has been rough. It took me a long time to get out from under his control. Your readers may think such things just happen. I know the opposite. It took years to make me a passive-submissive, well trained people-pleasing person. It’s taken many years to re-educate myself and become assertive.
Now, for the first time in my life, I enjoy life fully. Instead of depending on my husband wanting to do something before I can do it, I now do a lot more things for myself. I feel quite content and wise at times, but at times I feel guilty. I feel I have a lot to offer women who are in abusive, controlling situations. I hope to write a book sometime, since all us women need to re-educate ourselves.
A: It wasn’t easy, but as you learned more about yourself, and then took care of yourself, your husband was gradually forced to look at and learn to make some changes in himself.
Men can be as stubborn as teenagers in refusing to hear or acknowledge what their wives are trying to tell them. Too many men believe that if they don’t punch, slap or kick, they aren’t abusive.
The only difference between physical abuse and emotional or verbal abuse is the law. Physical abuse is a criminal offence. It can quickly get you into court or jail. Except for uttering threats, most emotional or verbal abuse is not illegal. Yet legal or not, it destroys people, personalities and relationships. And emotional and verbal abuse can easily and quickly escalate into physical abuse.
Respects feelings
It felt good being called “too assertive.” However, it’s impossible to be too assertive. Assertiveness is a behavior that recognizes and respects the feelings, views, rights and concerns of others, but also equally recognizes and respects your own feelings, views, rights and concerns. It’s impossible to do too much of this. Passive people obviously don’t take care of themselves well. They may think they are, but if they continually give in to others and don’t stand up for themselves, they only hurt themselves. They aren’t recognizing or respecting their own feelings, view, rights and concerns.
What people may call “too assertive” is really aggressive. When confronted with a tough choice, aggressive people put down or disregard the needs, views, rights or concerns of others. They take care of themselves, but others pay the cost. Assertive people balance their needs, views, rights and concerns with those of other people. They don’t back down, but equally they don’t bulldoze back. When you realize you are doing something for yourself, and it’s not being done to get back at others, to purposely hurt them, or to prove or win something, you are taking an assertive action.
Women in abusive relationships need to work hard at being assertive. It’s difficult and sometimes dangerous. Each time they try, their partner may come back at them with guilt, such as “What about the poor children?” threats, such as “If you do that, I’ll do…,” false promises, such as “If you’ll come back, I promise..,” or pleading, “I just can’t live without you.”
In too many cases, the woman doesn’t know when or if her partner’s abusive behavior will suddenly escalate into physical abuse. Abused women need to learn to ignore all these manipulative tactics, and only respond to open and honest feelings and negotiation. This often can only occur when they detach or pull back emotionally from the relationship and practise assertive behaviors. So if a man senses his wife emotionally backing away from him, it is himself he likely needs to take a look at.
