My editor had a phone call recently from a man who was concerned about farm men needing to be watchful when they choose a wife because they might lose the farm. He also was concerned about young women not being faithful.
Over the years, I had many letters from men who had gone through marriage breakups. In many cases, they were to a large degree responsible for the breakup. In other cases, their partner either stopped loving them or started to love someone or something else.
Any major decision in life involves a risk. Loving is a risk and every time you love, you make yourself vulnerable and run the risk of being hurt. However, there are many ways you can minimize this risk.
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Be objective about certain aspects of your relationship. Step back and take a look at it, as a friend might. Where are its strengths? Where are its weaknesses? Even if you feel deeply in love, you need to be able to look clearly at your partner and relationship. Most likely you don’t think the same on many issues. But do you think and feel the same about important issues such as principles of life? Do you both know how to respect and accept each other?
How much effort are you putting toward making it strong? Don’t expect your partner to be wholly responsible for the relationship. Marriage is like a bike. It won’t move forward if one of the brakes is clamped on tightly. And unless both wheels are going in the same direction, it won’t get far.
Listen to partner
You can strengthen a relationship by improving your listening skills. Check out and make sure you really know what your partner is saying before you jump in and react. Put yourself in her situation. Accept and recognize that men and women think and communicate differently within emotional relationships.
John Gray’s book, Men Are From Mars/Women Are From Venus, and Deborah Tannen’s books You Just Don’t Understand and That’s Not What I Meant can help you understand these differences.
Talk out your concerns with your partner in a caring, concerned way. Get in touch with your feelings. Be honest with her and yourself about your weaknesses and work on them. Nobody expects a partner to be perfect, but it’s important to see that they’re working at improving.
Faithfulness is a decision. Every married person is tempted at times or has the chance to be unfaithful. And if their emotional needs aren’t being met within the marriage, they’re more at risk of giving in to temptation. But affairs don’t just happen. People choose to become involved in them. If a couple is firm in their conviction of faithfulness and work on the relationship, neither will have anything to worry about.
As far as concern over losing a farm, matrimonial property laws deal only with that property which has been obtained or has gained in value since the date of the marriage. Gifts from a parent can be designated to one child, not the couple.
Happy marriages of the ’90s are still based on traditional values of years ago – honesty, openness, acceptance, respect and commitment. But it’s important to make sure they are there before you get married.
If you are having trouble with some aspect of your life write to Peter Griffiths in care of this newspaper. Griffiths is a mental health counsellor and member of the Canadian Mental Health Association. Letters appearing in this paper may be edited to protect the writer’s identity, however all are based on authentic letters.
