The way you say something to someone often affects whether he hears you and the way it will be
interpreted.
Asking someone a question might seem, at first, to be the most effective way to get a response, but it isn’t. It is a short cut. It’s much faster to shoot out a question than to think through what you want to say and how best to say it. Short cuts don’t help when you are talking to someone. They only increase the chance that others will misinterpret. If they misinterpret negatively, they will likely become defensive.
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The more defensive people get, the less they listen or understand.
When most people are asked a question, they think of other questions, such as: “What do they want? What do they want me to do? What did I do wrong?”
It is more effective to communicate without questions. Whether from our parents when we were children, or from our spouses and bosses as adults, questions can easily be interpreted as being critical or negative.
Questions have an important purpose. We use them to get answers. That is great in schools and in businesses or when asking for directions. If you didn’t ask questions, you wouldn’t learn very much. But, questions don’t serve the same valuable function in human relationships.
There is a big difference between getting information from someone and sharing information with them. Let’s look at two ways of expressing a concern to someone.
A person has done something you don’t like and you want them to stop doing it.
First way: “Why did you do that?” or “Why don’t you stop doing that?”
Is this helpful communication? No.
Second way: “You have been doing this for the last 10 minutes. I am annoyed with it. I would like you to stop doing it. If you wish to tell me why it is important for you to do it, I am willing to listen to you.”
The second way shares important things. Instead of digging for facts, it fertilizes the conversation by sharing what has happened from your perspective, shares your feelings about what happened, expresses your desires and concerns and opens the door for negotiation.
One way to recognize how easily questioning can create defensiveness is to practise criticizing yourself with negative questions. See if it makes you feel better and relaxed or anxious and tense. Then think how the same questioning affects others.
