Q: My dad has Alzheimer’s disease. Lately he has gone downhill. He can’t concentrate, he forgets our names and the names of his grandchildren, he is more disoriented than ever, and he does not seem to understand when we try to talk to him.
Mom says that she can manage him. I am not so sure that she can. She too is getting edgy. She looks tired, seldom has the happy face she had when we were kids growing up and is not getting out to spend time with her friends from the church. Mom says not to worry about her but I do worry and I am just not sure what to do about it.
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A:Often those who are caring for loved ones with Alzheimer’s try to pretend that the disease is not progressing as rapidly as it is while pretending that they are capable of continuing to care for the person whom they love the most. Their results are not good. Quite simply, caregivers burn out. They spend hours and hours, worrying, caring, and watching over someone whose intellect is slipping away from them. They get no reward for all that they do to try to make life palatable for that other person and without some kind of reward that tank of energy they need to continue working with their loved one starts to dry up. What at one time was a loving commitment becomes an intolerable burden and hidden away down inside the caregiver is at least some resentment. The whole thing is unfair.
Recognizing all of this, you need to start by remembering that your mother is still a capable person. She can take responsibility for herself. It would be wrong for you to try to intrude and interfere with the life she is maintaining for herself and your dad unless she very clearly asks you to help her.
Until such time as your mom is willing to admit that things have degenerated beyond her ability to control them your most strategic moment is to simply give your mother feedback, recognizing for her, and hopefully some day with her, that your father’s illness is getting to be too much to handle. Your Dad is slipping away and maybe you need to take a moment and grieve the loss of the father you once had, and wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could grieve that with your mother. I can think of nothing more beneficial for the two of you than the opportunity to have a good cry together.
If you and your mother grieve together, you can also support each other when your father has to be transferred to a care home where someone else will look after him.
