Q: This is breaking my heart. Whenever I see my nine-year-old niece at any of our family gatherings, she is always rude to my dad. He never says anything but I can tell by looking at him that he is hurt. My dad has always been an up-front, straight shooter kind of a guy. I am not sure why he is letting a nine-year-old kid get the better of him. I would like to say or do something but I fear that I would do more harm than good. Do you have any suggestions for me? My dad is a kind and considerate man. He does not deserve what is going on.
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A: Aging brings with it more than a few shrinking muscles and tightening tendons. It can also bring changes to our personalities.
People who are aging often start to react to stress differently. Even those who were known as straight shooters when they were younger are more inclined to avoid stress.
They sense that a reaction can be as difficult as what caused the stress in the first place and they try to skirt around those consequences.
Put yourself in your dad’s position. He may be hurt and disappointed when he is around your niece but that is nothing compared to the pain he would feel if he said something that could cause a rift between him and her parents.
That may be a risk he is not willing to take. I suspect that he would rather keep the peace than say something that would distract from the love he wants at this time in his life.
That leaves you as the family person likely to deal with your niece. You are not her parent and you should keep that in mind.
Her parents can reprimand her or do what they will to encourage her to be more sensitive to her grandfather but you can’t. All that you can do is give both your niece and her parents some feedback on what you see going on.
When your niece has delivered a low blow, you can say, “I think that you are being rude to my dad and I do not appreciate that.”
You are simply giving both her and her parents information. What they do with the information, whether or not they encourage your niece to apologize and be more considerate, is up to them.
Your job is to keep the information flowing. Just don’t be afraid to let your niece know how much better you will feel if and when she starts to treat your dad with more respect.
