“I have a problem,” said the familiar voice on the line. “I think a pig has eaten my cell phone.”
“That swine!” said I.
Such are the calls received by a managing editor from agricultural reporters in the field. But this one might top the list.
A few hoots of laughter, a giggle, and perhaps a guffaw or two later, practicality kicked in. After all, this is exactly the sort of thing they’re paying me, a trained professional, to handle.
A reporter had called upon me in a time of trouble, and it was now my responsibility to dig down, to suck it up, to call upon all my training in journalism, management and animal husbandry, to solve this problem before it became a crisis.
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First things first: identify the perp.
“Have you called the number to see which pig rings?”
The reporter had. No answer.
“Do any of the pigs on site seem unusually communicative?”
Negative.
“OK, I’m on the case. I’ll get back to you.”
It’s best to be systematic, I figured, as I licked the end of a pencil and started a list.
First, property recovery potential. The Prairie Swine Centre would be a good place to start. Let’s see, I’d need to determine a) probability of a pig actually eating a cell phone b) likelihood of a cell phone passing through a pig, and c) odds on whether we’d want the phone back if it did.
Next, liability. I’ll ask the reporter for a list of the numbers on speed dial. The last thing we need is a pig ordering pizza or dialing the federal agriculture minister 20 times a day. Especially if he has caller identification. Picture it.
Ring!
“Hello, Lyle Vanclief’s office.”
“Oink, oink. Snort.”
“Is this that Western Producer reporter again? I told you, we have no comment!”
After that, I’d call the phone company. Are we still responsible for long distance charges? What about obscene calls to Mitchell’s Gourmet Foods? Should we feed the pig a calling card to get better rates? Can the service be disconnected, or must we rely on the eventual certainties of the hog market?
Next, there’s cost recovery to consider. That means calls to the phone manufacturer. If those phones haven’t been torture-tested, maybe the manufacturer could use us in a testimonial. For a fee, of course. Yes, the investigation was definitely taking shape. To the rescue…!
