Warning: Do not use this page as a birdcage liner, puppy paper-training
unit or fishwrap. Such activities might have contributed to our current
predicament.
Fellow humans, it pains me to reveal a conspiracy perpetrated by the
animal kingdom in which the media has been unwittingly complicit.
It concerns the proliferation of incidents in which food animals make
wild bids for freedom, however illusory, and end up as media darlings.
Make no mistake, the animal kingdom got this idea somewhere – perhaps
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from these very pages – and it seems to be catching on.
Case in point: a 1,200 pound cow leaps a six foot fence outside a
Cincinatti slaughterhouse and evades captors for 11 days in the thick
underbrush of a city park.
The cow, dubbed Moosama bin Laden by an aforementioned complicit media
type, is eventually lured to an open area, tranquilized and lassooed.
Even then it drags two men through an urban backyard before being
loaded ignominiously into a truck.
As reported in the National Post last week, many Cincinatti property
owners offered sanctuary to the fugitive, and it is now expected to
live out its salad days as the bovine beneficiary of bamboozled
benefactors. The animal is believed to be about nine years old, so its
stay might be more extensive than philanthropists realize. Nice work,
if you can get it.
For all we know, animals’ schemes for freedom in North America extend
back to the unfortunately well-documented case of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow.
Oh, they’ve have refined it since then, these wily creatures. Sorted
out that troubling barbecue problem, for example.
Now it appears any reasonably difficult escape effort excites a
hero-hungry public into calls for the renegade’s reprieve.
Which brings us to the famous rascal of Red Deer, dubbed by yet another
complicit media type as Francis Bacon. This precocious porker escaped
fate at a meat plant some years ago and survived for months on the lam.
So popular was this porcine personality that it became the subject of a
sculpture in the city’s downtown.
As you can see, Moosama bin laden and Francis Bacon, through exploits
as reported in a clearly duped media, have exposed the soft underbelly
of the international meat industry. If word spreads too far, it could
be the end of the steak and pork chop world as we know it.
And that, my friends, would indeed be culinary disaster. Take heed.
