Q: My 87-year-old father is recovering in a long-care facility from the effects of a stroke and is very depressed. He has been prescribed antidepressants, but he still is despondent and really down. It is like he no longer has a reason for being.
A: Your dad, like all of us, needs a reason to live. Without it, he is stuck in an existential void and, yes, it is not at all unusual for people stretching out the last leg of their personal journey to find themselves in despair.
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An existential void is the inability to find or create meaning in life, leading to feelings of emptiness, alienation, futility and aimlessness.
You and I both know that your dad is probably in a great facility where he is getting good care. But something is missing. Think about it: what can your dad do there? He can’t work. He can’t tend to his little garden. He can’t romp with his grandchildren, head on down to join the guys on coffee row or help you with harvest. He cannot even make himself a cup of coffee to break into the sunrise of a new day.
Somewhere along the way, the inevitable has become inevitable to him and he may well find himself sitting in an abyss, simply waiting for the final call. What else is there?
I am not sure that it has to be this way. Your dad has stories to tell, memories to recapture with you, little sparkles of wisdom he has not previously shared and just so much to say.
It could well be that all he needs is for you to listen to him. I am sure that you worked hard to engineer the move from the rehab unit to the long-term care facility and that is great. And I am sure that you are doing all that you can do to help your dad feel comfortable in his new home. That too is wonderful.
But nothing you have done for your father is as significant or pertinent to his well-being as are those long hours when he talks and you listen.
Through those discourses, your father just might find the meaning in life he is missing. And it could well be that just by listening to your dad you will find purpose to enrich your own well-being.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
