Q: When we got married six years ago, I knew that my wife was always going to be the quiet one in our relationship. However, I did not expect it would be as bad as it is.
We seldom go out because she doesn’t want to, and when we do go out, she doesn’t mix with the crowd.
What can I do to help her be more engaged with our friends and neighbours?
A: If you can allow me to indulge in a bit of sarcasm, I would like to begin answering your letter by congratulating you for after only six years of marriage finally figuring out that your wife is not perfect. Neither will she nor you ever become so.
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The problem is not hers for being less than perfect. The problem is yours for not accepting her for the woman that she is.
If you think of all the possibilities that were on your doorstep a little more than six years ago, you might better understand my point.
You might, for example, have married Mary Lou. Mary Lou is not as responsible a parent as your wife has turned out to be but she will socialize on Friday nights. In fact, she may well socialize so much that Saturday mornings both of you are tired and a little bit hung over, not desirable conditions when you are trying to play with your children in front of televised Saturday morning cartoons. Would that have been satisfying for you?
Or you might have married Leslie. She, too, likes to socialize. In fact, when you go out, Leslie likes to socialize so much that she flirts with other people at the party. It isn’t that she would be unfaithful to you, she is always there for you, but the flirtations would likely drive you crazy.
You might have married Betsy. Betsy likes to go out and socialize in the evening but she does not like to leave the kids at home. In fact, the kids go everywhere with the two of you. You get no breaks, no times to be alone, and the kids would not have those routines they need that get them to bed at night and up for breakfast in the morning.
You could have married Shannon. Shannon loves to go out and talk to other people and the more that she can go out and talk, the happier she is. If you say, “how do you do” to Shannon, you are likely to get back a long, exhaustive dissertation before she gets around to saying, “I am fine, thank you.” Would you prefer that your wife be like that?
The bottom line is that all of us have our highs and lows, plusses and minuses, strengths and weaknesses and our little habits that cast shadows of doubts on interpersonal relationships.
The trick is not to change the other person. The trick is to accept people for whom they are. If your wife is not a social animal, then she is not a social animal and nothing is going to change that. You must either accept that or get out of the relationship. If you want to be more of a social animal, then be so. You can stop in to chat with the guys on coffee row or enter the occasional weekend curling bonspiel to satisfy your social needs without your wife while at the same time loving her and her personal attributes.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
