Q: We would like to talk to you about our parents. Both of them are in their early 70s and both are doing reasonably well.
They are retired and live in a little house they picked up in town. Between the five of us kids we manage to keep in pretty good communication with them and that is good.
However, we would like to make sure we keep on top of any problems but are not sure what to look for.
Could you give us a better understanding of aging?
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A: I think that to understand aging you need to better understand that aging itself started long before your mom and dad crawled into their 70th birthdays.
Aging starts almost as soon as you cross the finish line in adolescence and become an adult. In fact, you and your four siblings are most likely into aging yourselves, but because you are younger and focused on your children you don’t think of yourself as aging.
It happens to all of us and it is for the most part so subtle that you don’t even notice until one morning when you are brushing your teeth in front of the bathroom mirror. That mirror, mirror on the wall is looking back at you and saying, “you know what — you are getting old.”
Aging is really just the wear and tear on our bodies that is beginning to show.
Just like that old Ford truck sitting in your back yard, you and your parents have parts that have worn down a bit. Neither you nor your parents, and it may be more your parents at the moment, can fire up the engines as quickly as you once did.
The good news for your parents is that help is around the corner.
If they have picked up cataracts on their eyes or find themselves struggling with any kind of a visual disturbance, they need only make an appointment to get help from an ophthalmologist or optometrist and chances are very good that they will catch back some visual strength and keep it for a long time.
The same is true for hearing. Hearing aids are almost invisible these days but also are so useful for communicating accurately.
Many mobility and other devices are also available today, such as artificial hips, implants to regulate your heart, and medication to reinforce memory.
The truth is that you can take your old body that has fallen into disrepair, much like that old Ford truck, and with the help of physicians keep it going for a long time.
The key is your family physician. She will work with your mom and dad, make referrals when they are necessary, and see to it that they get the assistance and devices they might need.
All that you and your brothers and sisters need to do is make sure that Mom and Dad get into their regular check-ups with their doctor.
At the moment, your parents seem to be mostly independent. They are at the first stage of a five-step dependency scale.
They maintain the house on their own, pick up their own groceries and manage their own financial and personal affairs.
Step two on the dependency scale is called interdependency. It is when your parents are still on their own most of the time but their reliance and reliability is beginning to break down a bit. They might be working with neighbors to get things done, a little more help than usual is needed around the garden and maybe that home-care nurse is going to stop in regularly to monitor their medications. They are a touch forgetful and may well drop the occasional pill unless they are reminded to take it.
Step three is a turning point for your mom and dad. They will need more help and support than before — help getting around, driving the car, calling in someone to do their shopping, pay off their monthly bills and getting to various appointments with their doctors.
In step four, Mom and Dad are in need of around the clock care. By this time, they are most likely in a long-term care facility or at least on the daily support list of their home-care program. They can still wander around, keep up in engaging or social conversations, play cards and walk in the garden, but they are not likely to prep many meals, do their household chores and keep their laundry in order. Their medication is probably supervised.
By the time they reach step five in this journey, step five being end-of-life care, they are totally dependent on care givers for survival. This is where they are for sure in a long-term care facility.
Your parents are most likely somewhere between step one and step two on the dependency scale. They are mostly independent and are jealously guarding their autonomy. They may make some decisions with which you will likely disagree but they are still capable of understanding and appreciating the process and are prepared to face whatever consequences they will endure.
It is important that you respect your parents’ autonomy at this point in time and that you endorse that process and respect and encourage their independence as long as you can.
They will move into more needy times in life’s journey soon enough. Until then, enjoy Mom and Dad with love and respect. It is worth the effort.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
