Q: Our 19-year-old son is a good kid but has no idea what he should or could do with himself.
We would love for him to get a job and start building toward a career, but nothing seems to work. What can we do to get him going?
A: Your son has two problems. One is finding a career for himself and the other is moving out of the house. The career is his problem and his alone. As much as you might try to help by giving direction or lining up interviews, he has to decide for himself what he wants and where he wants to do it.
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You can keep him going by reminding him what a great guy he is and simply loving him. You might find a few dollars to pay tuition for him but remember you are sponsoring courses that he has chosen for himself, not those you think would best suit him.
The next few years may seem like forever as you watch your boy try one thing after another before he settles into a feasible career. To handle your frustrations, try to remember your own history and fears when roadblocks appeared.
It is the same for him. If you keep your own expectations in check and watch him grow, the whole thing can be as exciting for you as it is for him. It is a wonderful mystery. Where is he going to end up?
Some kids do not have to go through this process. They know from an early age where they want to go with their careers. But don’t get discouraged. Most young people are as lost as your son.
Your mix and match in this is helping your son leave home. A number of articles in the literature I reviewed for this paper said that ages 25 to 26 are optimum times for young people to leave home. If that is true, you have a few years to help your son on his way out the door.
Your boy probably has a lot of learning to do if he is going to successfully leave home. He should learn how to prepare meals and learn that cleanliness and tidiness are necessary. Bathrooms need to be scrubbed. The vacuum is more than an artificial ornament decorating a hidden closet and laundry does not clean itself.
Power bills, heating bills, taxes, internet costs and groceries all eat up monthly incomes and need to be acknowledged if he is to build his own home to match the integrity of the home he is leaving.
Helping your son leave home while admiring him for his challenges should keep you busy for a while. One fine day, you will look back at this moment in your son’s personal and professional growth and wonder why you were so worried.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
