Q: The other night our 17-year-old son jumped a stop sign and totalled his mother’s car.
This is not the only problem our son has caused. The problem is that we have not been strict enough with the boy.
I have tried, but it seems that every time I “put my foot down,” his mother jumps in and mitigates the whole thing. Whatever problems my son has are clearly her fault.
So, what can I do? I love my son and I love my wife, but right now nothing is working.
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A: I can share some thoughts, but my guess is that you are going to do better if all three of you, including you, your wife and your son, get help from a professional counsellor.
Until you can sign on for counseling, let me make some suggestions.
The first is that you consider trying to stop blaming your wife and your son for all your misery. Blaming is not going to help either of them. It is most likely to drive a wedge between you and them and if you are not careful, you could find yourself facing a legal separation from the two people whom you love the most.
Instead of blaming either your son or your wife when something goes wrong, try relaxing, deep breathing and listening carefully to what it is they have to say.
Of course, your son should not have gone through a stop sign. Neither should have you every time you blew a stop sign in the past, or your wife or any of us who have made mistakes when driving.
The question is why did he get into an accident when he made one of those mistakes for which all of us are guilty but for which few of us get caught and into an accident?
You are not going to find out what happened to him until you practise effective listening with him.
My second suggestion is that you try listening more to your family, to both your wife and your son. Right now, you seem to be on the outside looking in.
It is going to stay that way until you and your wife quit competing for control in the family and paying attention to each other and to your son. It is not hard. Paying attention is simply another exercise in listening.
My third suggestion, which is the hardest of all, is that you start listening more carefully to yourself. Currently, you seem to have a lot of voices swirling around your head. They are not letting you address the scares you had when you found out that your boy was in an accident. They are not letting you be concerned when life is not going well for him. Neither are they letting you feel the hurt that is yours when you and your wife are not agreeing on parenting your kids.
It is not that she sabotages your plans that is the issue. It is more likely that neither of you respects the other. Respect begins at home, inside your self-esteem, and is a necessary antidote to personal hurt, pain and disappointment. It is the foundation to good family life, to the standard bar that opens the door to effective listening that could help all three of you bond together once again. Good luck.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
