Q:When my husband first told me that he wanted to get a divorce, I was very upset. As we talked, and as I began to be more honest with myself, I could see his point.
We have lost it, there is no question about that.
I am no longer that special little light that shines in my husband’s eyes each and every morning, and neither is he the white knight in my fantasy. Our whole marriage is dull.
I think it started to degenerate when we were having children. We have four of them.
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Don’t get me wrong — our kids are wonderful and both of us love all of them dearly. But as they grew and demanded more time and energy from us, we let go of our marriage.
We were not spending time together and whenever we tried to have celebrations with just the two of us, someone phoned or called with a problem.
Now our marriage is in trouble. I am glad that my husband threatened me with a divorce. It brought to the fore what has been smoldering in the ashes forever.
Maybe now we will do something about it. Where should we start to get this thing going again? Or is it too late?
A: The good news is that even old fire trucks will strike up the call when the siren begs them to be wary of frying pans burning away in the kitchen.
It is never too late. All you need do is open the floodgates and let out those pent up emotions you and your husband have been hoarding. Let go of that criticism you have for each other. Nothing will kill a marriage faster than criticism.
Understand this: all of us have complaints. They come and go regularly. It is when you put a face and a name to the complaints and chastise the other person that the whole thing falls apart. You can say, ‘wow, I am really upset that our house is a little messier than I would like it to be.’ But when you say, ‘what have you being doing all day to make this place as bad as it is,’ you have a problem.
So let’s forget the criticism. No one ever listened to it anyways.
Try taking on more responsibility for your own behaviour. Maybe you had something to do with the mess in the house and maybe if you went about things differently the house would not be so messy. Is it just possible that if someone is driving truck during harvest and running meals out to the field at suppertime just after they get home from work, that person may not be a candidate for Mr. Clean’s household cleanliness award?
Chances are really good that if you take responsibility for your own behaviour, and your partner does the same, you are going to come out of this with a terrific marriage. But only if you talk to each other.
Don’t stonewall. Don’t keep those horrible feelings inside so that you don’t “rock the ship,” or “break the peace.” If something is bugging you it has to come out. You don’t have to scream and shout: in fact it is probably better if you don’t. Just don’t ignore yourself. It is like the dead mouse in the well. No matter how many spring rains freshen up the waters if that dead mouse is still there, rotting away, it will one day stink up the whole well.
The unspoken truth does the same to your marriage. Sometimes you cannot fix everything that goes on between you. Some things just have to be.
But if you are talking about them with each other, in tender trust, you can age together, getting old in the sunset, with that same excitement that sparked the first phone call for your first date away back then.
