Q: Our neighbour is dying and has asked us to leave her alone during this time.
I am finding it difficult to take the request to heart. This is such a crisis for her I hate to think that she has to endure it alone, without support.
What should I do?
A: It is important that you differentiate between the needs of your neighbour as she is dying, and your own needs.
If you are focused on your neighbour’s needs, you will have no trouble respecting her request to be left alone. You can sit in the background, ready to respond if you get a call, but otherwise be comfortable and leave her and her husband to their own resources.
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But life is never that simple and to be honest I cannot imagine sitting in your situation without some of my own needs eroding the best of intentions.
You are about to deal with a loss in your own life and of course a personal loss is never easy. This is going to be hard for you. It would be nice to soften it a bit. You are also having to deal with your own thoughts about what death and dying is all about.
I do not know how it is for you, but for many of us thoughts about dying are somewhat intimidating. We would rather not have to deal with them, and if we must deal with them the first temptation is to take something that is a little bit frightening and reframe it into a more positive event.
Often when we are comforting those who are that close to the last lap on their journey, we are searching for reprieve, and through it comforting ourselves as well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But when your neighbour says she does not want to share the moment with you, you are still left with the search for a little more comfort for yourself. It is unfinished business.
I am not sure where you are going to go with that, whether you and your husband can have frank and supportive talks between the two of you, or whether you are able to spend some time counselling with the priest or priestess of your spiritual centre. Can you get the support you need from a personal counsellor?
Wherever you choose to go with your search for personal comfort in the face of mortality is your decision and your’s alone. All that I know is that the more you can understand your personal take on death and dying, the easier it will be to accept that decision from your neighbour to prefer her moment of isolation for what is a significant part of her life’s journey.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
