Q: When I was younger raising our two children, both my mother and my husband’s mom felt free to interfere with my children, to be judgmental about my parenting skills, to offer advice when neither my husband nor I wanted it and to overindulge the children with toys that were not always to my liking.
It was pretty bad. Often as not, we would find reasons not to spend time with our children’s grandmothers so that we would not have to put up with the stress we felt when either of these two ladies was around.
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Now the shoe is on the other foot. I am a grandmother. I want to be a good grandmother, to do what is right for all of our grandchildren, and to feel welcome whenever we get a chance to visit either in their homes or our own.
Do you have any tips for us?
A: You are raising an interesting subject. I think that we should start by understanding and appreciating how important Grandma and Grandpa can be to those wonderful grandchildren.
They count in the lives of all of their grandchildren and what they say and do can have immeasurable consequences.
I met a gentleman some time ago whose grandfather loved and worshipped his cousin but had little or no use for my friend. This guy was 32 when I met him but he was still bothered when he thought about Grandpa’s rejection of all that he was. It was devastating for him.
You and your husband are the cheering section for your grandchildren. You cheer with them when they have a moment of success and you hug them to pieces when life is disappointing. They can do no wrong when you are around and if perchance they do slip, you can sneak out the back door and let Mom and Dad deal with it.
Remember the world in which your grandchildren are living is significantly different than when you were raising your children.
Where were the cellphones, the digital games and tablets and the pandemics? They were not there. Neither were there rules and regulations on how to deal with all of this stuff. You didn’t have those rules, you don’t know them in today’s world and you cannot properly pretend to understand all of it. So don’t try.
The less you interfere with what is going on between your grandchildren and their moms and dads the more likely it is that you are going to hit the pedestal pushing you up to the nomination for grandparent of the year.
Sometimes your grandchildren will have “owies”, sometimes they are going to hurt a bit. When they do they do not need access to your accumulated wisdom. What they need is your undivided attention. They need you to listen to them. And they need to be reminded that no one could possibly love them more than Grandma and Grandpa. That is the message you deliver to them with each and every hug.
By the way, let’s remember that this is not a competitive thing. Sometimes loving means backing off, letting them love those other grandparents too, and giving each of the grandkids that emotional room they need to grow and mature at their own pace. Can you do that?
Can you sit back and watch and marvel at your grandchildren when they steal second base or bring home a report card filled with success without in some way feeling that you should get some of the credit for their successes?
Your significant input into the lives of your children is your family history. Most kids love to know from whence they came. They are mesmerized by your family heritage and they love to look at those old photos when your parents and grandparents got all dressed up for the family portrait.
With your family history tucked into your joy of listening and your determination to let their parents do what they believe is right for their children, you cannot go far wrong in grandparenting.
The great topping to this is in that welcome mat gracing their front door when you pop in for a visit.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
