Q: Our university-aged son has just told us he is gay and in a long-term relationship, and I’m not handling it as well as I thought I would. How do I go about learning to accept him for who he is?
A: Too often families try to change the personhood of their gay children, making them straight rather than letting them be gay, and that leads to huge personal, social and psychological problems.
Gay kids need as much support as anyone else, sometimes even more. We know from our studies that gay kids are at risk for depression, anxiety and alcohol/drug abuse.
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The odds for that risk go down considerably when those same gay kids get support, care and validation from their parental families.
Having said that, I know the underlying homophobia permeating your personal constitution is not likely to disappear easily. Give yourself a break. Don’t expect to resume your position as the perfect parent the day after tomorrow. It takes time.
Have a talk with your son. Let him know you are struggling with his sexuality but that you will make your way through this next short while and that then the two of you can resume that relationship you once had. Given your honesty and his openness, the future is looking good for your entire family.
When your son told you he is gay, he was simply giving you some new information about who he is as a person. You need more of that; not so much about his sexuality, but about his persona, his life, his dreams and how his world has changed for him over the past couple years. You need to know more about his partner: not about his sexuality but about his personhood.
Think about it. When your daughter brought her fiancé home to meet you, you did not ask him about his sexuality. You wanted to know who he was as a person, whether he would treat your daughter with the care and respect she deserved and if he was about to be a willing partner, doing his share in the relationship. You can expect nothing less from your son’s partner.
The world is changing. It is much more accommodating to queers than it has ever been. But it is still not there. The LGBTQ community is still subject to scorn and ridicule, sometimes even abuse. The more that you can stand up for your son, the more you can protect him from slander, the sooner it is that whatever glitches you had when your son talked to you about his sexuality will disappear.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
