Q: My 75-year-old father died recently, and it has been really hard on my mother.
She spent a lot of time cheerfully looking after him in his later years, but now she doesn’t go out, eat properly or take care of the house. Mainly she is sad and depressed.
What can I do to help her?
A: Clearly your mom is into some kind of grieving and that in turn is as devastating as any of your father’s illnesses were for him. The problem for her, and most likely also for you, is understanding what it is your mom is grieving. There is an obvious loss with the death of your father, and I have no doubt that was excruciating for your mom. But more than that, your mom seems to have lost some kind of purpose for her own well-being and that may be what she is grieving.
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Have you ever thought of how significant she was when she was busy looking after your father? She did not have time to think about loneliness. She had an important task to do and she was clearly up for it.
That is gone now, it disappeared with the death of your father, and the chances are very good that your mom is grieving the loss of purpose for her own being every bit as much as she is grieving the death of her husband.
Think of all those special little events that meant so much to your mom and dad, like when she surprised him with a special dessert after supper, folded down the bed at night just as he liked it, made sure that all his clothes were neat and tidy and then at the end of the day sat in her favourite chair for their nightly talks.
All those little things that gave special meaning to your mom are gone now. And my guess is that she is missing them.
You cannot remake your mom. You cannot suddenly cast a basket filled with meaning into her barren household. That is something that she must do for herself. But you can remember along with her what you are missing about your mom. You can recall that wonderful woman who you knew was bustling around the house and yard and enjoying every moment of it.
You can remind her of how fulfilled she felt when she was an active caregiver and you might remind her that even though Dad is gone, she can still be a caregiver in so many other ways.
The church needs fresh baking most of the time, your children need to spend at least a part of their time with a wise grandmother. She has neighbours who are struggling through their challenges and would love support from her.
And your mom has a yard and a garden and they too likely need a little more nourishing.
As your mom emerges from her grief don’t overwhelm her. Just welcome her back into the world of the early morning sunrise and the peace of the evening star and let her rediscover her own purpose for living.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
