Q: I have been very lonely since my former wife and I split up. I want a new relationship but lack the enthusiasm to find someone new. I also fear that once again I will be hurt and disappointed.
What I can do to find “someone to love?”
A: I am not sure I can come up with a sure-fire set of strategies to help get you reconnected in a new and intimate relationship.
However, maybe if we explore some of the differences between then and now, between what was going on with you when you were younger and what is happening to you now, you can find your own way into a satisfying relationship.
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You might start by remembering when you were very young, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, and first experimenting with intimate relationships.
You had a lot of energy back then and you needed every ounce of it. You were building a house and a home with your partner while at the same time carving out a career for yourself. What a juggling act that was, balancing off time for your partner and kids with the demands from the office eating up whatever spare moment you might have had.
The payoff of all this was that you and your partner were going forward, building a life together and a home for your family.
Your perspective is different now that you are middle-aged. For openers, much of your drive for a career has been resolved. You may not have been as successful as you wanted to be, and you may still try for the occasional promotion, but the obsession to succeed is not nearly as powerful as it was when you were younger.
When you are exploring possible futures with a new partner, it is not driven by the same need to succeed. Neither are you necessarily looking for a bunch of new kids. Probably both of you already have children.
What you are most likely searching for is support and encouragement for each other. You do not need someone to make a pot of coffee for you, but what would be nice is sitting on the veranda, holding hands and enjoying a steaming cup together.
What can be difficult for new relationships in midlife is the hurt and pain that those who are single carry with them. It is hard to imagine that anyone who is single in midlife has not been hurt and disappointed, or perhaps really shattered grieving for the death of a spouse.
Those who are successful rebuilding new relationships are those who have not let their personal hurts spill over into a vat of cynicism. They accept themselves for being somewhat damaged, learn what they can from their past experiences and love each other for what they are, not for what they might become.
It is a bit of a chore, but the more you accept yourself for who you are and give that same acceptance to other people, the more likely it is that you will find yourself rebuilding an intimacy to be cherished with a new partner.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
