Q: My grandmother is dying and we’re trying to decide whether to take our four-year-old daughter to the funeral.
I want to take her with us. I believe she is old enough to know that death and dying, life and living, are part of the constellation to which all of us must pay homage.
My husband does not believe that our daughter has a good grasp on what death and dying, life and living, is all about and most likely will unnecessarily bury herself in confusion and fear.
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A: I hope that neither you nor your husband is looking for a final word on whether a child should attend the funeral of loved family members. Both of you have valid points to your arguments.
The truth is that attending funerals is often good for young children. Being there means they are a part of the extended family. It can be a wonderful sense of belonging for the child.
But it can also confuse the child. Four-year-old children do not usually have a good sense of what death and dying are about. They go to funerals or celebrations and share in the sadness they see and feel with other family members but they do not necessarily understand what is going on.
Death to a four-year-old child is like going to sleep.
When someone important to them dies, or more when their favorite pet passes, they often believe that it is just a matter of time until that person or pet wakes up again and life carries on.
The finality of dying to a four-year-old child can be illusive, and that is OK.
As the child matures in her own way, she will, when it is time to do so, begin to better understand what is going on.
It is important that the child discover death and dying on her own. She might ask you questions about her dying grandmother or she just might sit back and observe what is going on.
Either way, she is learning about death when she is capable of conceptually understanding it and coming to terms with mortality in her own way.
As she gets older and more sophisticated, she will grow into more mature appreciations of what death and dying are about. Just don’t push it on her.
