Q: My husband died seven years and I have since met someone who I would like to settle down with. However, my 11-year-old daughter does not want another man in her life.
My boyfriend says we cannot let an 11-year-old dictate our lives, but she has gone through a rough time and I want to be sensitive to what she is going through.
I am looking for a way to allow my boyfriend and me to continue building our relationship while at the same time respecting the wishes of my daughter.
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A: A few years ago, a television commercial opened with a narrator saying, “stop, stop, you are both right.”
You and your boyfriend could begin any discussion you have about long range plans with a similar opening.
Let’s begin our discussion by looking at your boyfriend’s concern, that your daughter is somehow responsible for your relationship with him.
Think of this in the long run. If you let her say aye or nay to your relationship and it turns out that she was wrong she is going to be stuck unnecessarily with whole lot of guilt she doesn’t need. Growing up is hard enough these days. Burdening that with being responsible for one or both of your parents is almost unfathomable.
By the same token we need to recognize how limited your daughter is, at least judicially. If you and your boyfriend get together and it turns out that this was a huge mistake you can thank each other for time spent together and take separate highways down the road. You can end it. But your daughter does not have that freedom. She is stuck with him. They cannot leave each other, at least not until she is old enough to register for post-secondary education. She needs you to protect her and to look after her best interests.
You and your boyfriend have three options. The first is that you can end your time together and choose separate ways. But that does not sound like a great choice given that you and he enjoy each other as much as you do. The second option is that you can carry on has you have been and hope in the future your daughter will change her mind and accept your boyfriend. That too is not likely to work. Relationships need to grow and develop over time. If they can’t they wither and die. You will probably end up leaving each other.
The third option is that you and your boyfriend can move in together, along with your daughter and learn to enjoy each other. But let’s put some rules in place here.
The big one is that he is not her parent, not her father and any parental decisions that have to be considered are yours and yours alone.
Next on the list is house maintenance. All three of you need to keep the place neat and tidy, prepare meals and tighten your spending when the budget is limited. Everyone must contribute.
Finally, you need to respect each other, to at least be polite and considerate.
If your boyfriend is able to relax and not try to be more than he is to your daughter and if you can be patient with her through some of the turbulence of your daughter’s adolescence, your boyfriend and your daughter stand a great chance of over the years becoming the best of friends and when you think of it, isn’t that a great goal for all of us, parents and non-parents alike.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
