Q: My wife is angry at me because I have a hearing problem and do not understand all that she is trying to tell me.
I have worked with an audiologist and I have bought a better than average hearing aid. I have talked to my family doctor and have asked for a referral to an ears, nose and throat specialist. I also search the internet for hearing loss information.
It really hurts when she complains about my hearing loss, but I don’t know what else I can do about it.
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A: You are not alone. I do not have figures for Canada, but in the United States one of every three people between the ages of 65 and 74 has difficulty hearing.
For people who are older than 74 that figure jumps to one every two people struggling with hearing loss.
You must have noticed that most of the people sitting in the waiting room in your audiologist’s office are a bit older and that hearing aids are the order of the day at social gatherings for senior citizens.
Please let me begin addressing your concern about relations with your wife by commending you for working with your family physician and an audiologist to figure out your hearing loss. I hope that you will continue to do so and I hope that you will honour the appointment your doctor is making for you to see an ears, nose and throat specialist.
The problem here is that neither the ophthalmologist nor your family physician has omnipotent powers. Neither they nor anyone else can either fully replicate or replace that which nature created when it gave you a set of ears.
Your people can support you and encourage you, but only the gods of nature have that drive to perfectionism giving you the ability to hear and they are not around at the moment.
What this means is that hearing loss is not just your problem. It is your wife’s as well, and if you are going to sustain those wonders of love and intimacy as the two of you age, she is going to have to change how she goes about things.
Your wife can no longer gaze out the kitchen window when she is chatting to you. She is going to have to focus directly on you so that the two of you can see each other to help you hear each other. Your wife may have to repeat things every now and then to make sure that she is getting her message across to you and she is going to have to be patient when you ask her to repeat that which you have not understood. Finally, both of you are going to have to make sure that the television set (or other sources of background noises) is not so loud that it interferes with what either one of you is trying to say.
I know and understand that this might seem to be unfair to both you and your wife. It seems unfair because it is unfair.
But having a warm and caring relationship in which the two of you can share the joy of this time in your life talking directly to each other and understanding what each is trying to say makes the whole thing worthwhile.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
