Much has been written about Canada’s poor medal showing at the Olympics. Not enough has been written about the untapped Olympic-level potential that can be found among farmers on the Canadian Prairies. Until now.
Fellow Olympic fans, a few skills modifications, a little intensive training and some plane tickets to Athens are all that separate this country from success sufficient to attract a U.S. trade challenge against Canadian gold, silver and bronze.
Some examples of potential prairie Olympic excellence that could be cultivated for our country’s glory:
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The (Harvest) Marathon: With coffee and saskatoon berry pie the only stimulants allowed, athletes undertake dawn to dark fieldwork in a test that pits them against weather and the threat of lower commodity prices.
The (Cattle Sorting) 100-m Sprint: Athletes employ corral gates and lung power to sort heifers from steers in a melee of dust and heat. Skills include lightning-fast reflexes and the ability to tell cattle gender while all animals are intent on running the sprint in less than 10 seconds.
The (Herbicide Jug) Discus Throw: Points are awarded on distance that empty containers can be thrown from the top of the sprayer. Failure to triple rinse brings automatic disqualification.
The (Calving Time) Hurdles: Athletes test their speed out of the cow-patty starting blocks and ability to clear a barbed-wire fence after an angry cow gives chase.
The (Saddle) Pommel Horse: Athletes show gymnastic ability by staying aboard a saddle horse spooked by a flying plastic grocery bag. Extra points are awarded for one-handed saddlehorn dismounts.
(Combine Perch) Floor Gymnastics: Points are based on a combine operator’s skill and imagination in arm waving, jumping up and down and doing backflips off the thresher stairs in attempts to signal a snoozing truck driver that it’s time to unload.
The (Equipment Repair) Triathlon: Participants compete for the fastest time in three segments: equipment malfunction identification; jerry-rigging a makeshift repair; and driving into town for parts.
(Meeting With Banker) Backstroke: Athletes explain the effects of BSE on their ability to make a previously promised loan payment.
Uneven (Playing Field) Bars: Canadian participants contort and twist in the wind to eke out a living without government subsidies, while participants from other countries reap lucrative farm program profits.
Bring on the medals!
