Q: Our son gets impatient. If I am but a couple of minutes late for something he gets agitated and most often rude. God help him if he gets stuck at a red light longer than he thinks he should, and you certainly don’t say “pardon” to him if you miss whatever he was saying because he will get angry.
It’s become so bad that his girlfriend recently left him, mostly because she was not prepared to put up with the abuse that goes with his impatience.
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How do I help him?
A: I would like to share with you my understanding of the problem. Please note that others may differ with me and that is OK. All of us are doing our best.
As I see it, the problem your son is having is not with impatience. The problem is knowing how to deal with disappointments.
When my own children were younger, I must admit that I was caught up trying to make the world perfect for them. I do not think that I was alone. Other parents were doing the same and I suspect that you, too, may have been trying for the perfect world for your son.
We would do almost anything to prevent our children from having to deal with disappointments.
As admirable as that may have been, what we were also doing was cheating our kids out of some significant learning experiences. They did not then figure out how to deal with disappointment and they still do not today.
If life gets a little out of sorts, they get impatient and try to almost force everyone else to make it better for them. Think about it. The doors are going to be locked to the concert hall and no one who is late will be admitted. If your son is late for a concert he really wants to hear, he will miss it. That is going to be disappointing for him, something that he cannot stand.
So, what does he do? He gets mad and impatient with you, not so that he can attend the concert, but so that he does not have to feel disappointed for missing it.
His ex-girlfriend could probably recite a litany of times when he got impatient with her, just so he wouldn’t be disappointed.
Your son can deploy several strategies for learning to deal with disappointments. He can sign on for personal counselling. That would most likely be his best bet. Another option is to research ideas online.
There are likely a few articles about impatience online and suggestions for how to better handle disappointment, but make sure and check the sources.
Finally, he can figure out a do-it-yourself program with paper and pencil and a little self determination. On one side of the paper, he can jot down a moment when he was struggling with impatience. On the other side of the paper, he can write down an option or two for resolving the probable disappointment he would likely feel if his plans were astray. Writing things down takes your son out of the emotional quagmire and prompts him to use his intellectual abilities to come to terms with the disappointments that come with living life.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
