Q: My fiancé has threatened to leave me if I continue with my massive jealousy streak.
I would like to get things back to the way they were so that perhaps one day we can build a family and home for ourselves. However, I am scared I have blown it.
My one hope is that she and I can go for couples counselling and work together to help me get around my jealousies.
Is that possible?
A: Let me be clear from the very start of this — there is nothing in jealousy that says “I love you.” Jealousy is not a couple’s problem. Jealousy is a personal problem.
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In this case, it is your problem. I understand that infidelity to an intimate relationship is more common than most of us would care to admit. I understand that often couples are suspicious of each other, suspecting that one or the other is not being as open and honest as the other wants.
Sometimes those suspicions lead to dissolution of the relationship. But those suspicions are different than jealousy.
The root line of jealousy is the fear of being abandoned. Most often, as it seems to be in your case, it is an irrational fear.
Certainly, it is one that you need to confront. And you can do this, but it is going to take a significant effort on your part.
Your start in this whole thing is to own the jealousy. Your fear of being abandoned is not her problem, neither is it a problem peculiar to your relationship.
Nothing she can do will help you resolve the jealousy. It comes from inside of you, something to do with your personal history, perhaps to do with some of your genetic script, and most assuredly a fear that predated your time with your fiancé.
Your next step is to start making appointments. Your family doctor can put you in touch with a consulting psychiatrist, hopefully to bump you up the waiting list so you don’t have to wait an inordinately long time for an appointment.
As well, your local mental health team or social services offices have counselors who can help you better understand the nature of your abandonment issues and confront them.
Phone them to sign on for personal counselling. This is hard. It is difficult to look back over the years and figure out what was going on in your life that made it so difficult to trust and understand those important people to you. But that is an important step if you are going to better control your jealousies.
Finally, it sounds like it might be a good idea for you and your fiancé to back off a bit, take a break, don’t worry about being engaged, or getting married. Just have some fun together. I cannot think of anything healthier for the two of you than a good old-fashioned snowball fight, sharing popcorn while watching movies or doing the dishes after feasting with white wine and Cornish game hens.
As you come to terms with your fears of being abandoned, of your jealousies, your relationship with her will move in whatever direction is best for it. You might choose to stay together. You might choose to go your own ways, apart from each other.
Either way is workable, as long as you are working from something other than a streak of jealousy.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
