It seems to Amy that she and Jim are just going through the motions in their marriage.
She looks back occasionally to those heady days in 1974 when they were first married, remembering how much fun they had together and the passion they felt. She sometimes longs for those days, and all the promise they carried, but after a few minutes lets the longing go and gets back to whatever she was doing. She imagines Jim probably feels the same way and she’s right. He does.
They may not know it, but their marriage is pretty normal, and it has a good chance of getting better again.
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Research into marital satisfaction shows that it begins to wane during the early years (what marriage could maintain the high of the honeymoon phase?) and hits its lowest ebb around midlife. The stresses of everyday living grind away at the marriage and make it hard to keep it vibrant and alive. The financial stress of trying to get the farm paid off, parenting adolescents, then facing the “empty nest,” caring for aging parents, retirement and the changes brought on by menopause and andropause all cast their pall.
But the picture is not all bleak. Most folks are still in good health at midlife and their kids are either teenagers or have already left home, so are less dependent.
Here are a few things that can help you get back in touch and remember why you chose that special person to share your life with.
Spend time together. Make the odd date. Go out together. What you do isn’t important. Being together is.
Support each other in reaching personal goals. Revisit and revise your goals from time to time and make changes as needed. Decide on what you really want to do over the next few months or years, talk about it with each other and plan how to do it. You can find some life goal setting exercises at www.midlife-men.com/lifemission.html.
Communication is probably the most important skill of all. When you talk, listen to each other for what is actually being said rather than making up responses in your head or evaluating what the other is saying. Ask questions to be sure you understand what your partner meant and do your part by speaking your truth. Don’t assume you know your mate’s truth.
Showing appreciation and affection is also a biggy. When people have been married a long time, they can start taking each other for granted. Women want to hear they are loved while men want to hear they are appreciated. So tell each other. It can have a wonderful effect on your marriage.
Sexual fulfillment can also make for a happier marriage, but by midlife sex is often kind of ho-hum. Sexual difficulties are most often the result of normal physical and emotional changes that reduce desire.
Menopause can be hard on a woman’s sex drive, and a swollen prostate can wreak havoc with a man’s erections. The best aphrodisiac is simply talking about how you feel and what you would like. Yes, I know this is scary for men. Exercise and good diet can also enhance sexuality.
Make a commitment to grow. A lot of stress in marriages comes from one person changing while the other resists. Let go of disappointments in each other and commit to growing together for the second half of your marriage.
We men are naturally inclined to go out in the world and make our mark in the first half of life. Women tend to focus inward and have a natural tendency toward developing relationships and nurturing others.
At midlife, like two ships passing in the night, men begin to shift their focus inward and women begin to focus outward. It shows up in a midlife man’s inclination to mentor younger people and to have more intimate relationships in general, including with his wife.
At the same time, midlife women, when their children are gone and menopause is behind them, tend to focus outward, looking to make a contribution in the community. Women are still interested in intimacy, but are more independent-minded and willing to speak for themselves. If this doesn’t scare her husband too much, it can lead to a satisfying, companionable marriage.
And the last gift of aging is that we generally get a bit wiser and less uptight about the little things as we get older. We forgive past slights and are more able to see our role in negative situations. This, too, leads to a better marriage at midlife.
Edmonton-based Noel McNaughton is a former broadcaster and rancher who lectures on farm lifestyle issues at agriculture conventions and for corporations. He can be reached at 780-432-5492, e-mail: noel@midlife-men.com, or visit www.midlife-men.com.
