Man bites canine American - Editorial Notebook

“Man bites dog” is the classic journalism example of what constitutes news, as opposed to the more commonplace “dog bites man” scenario.

But “man bites canine American”? At one point last week, it appeared the old aphorism might be subject to revision.

It happened when the U.S.-based Animal Agriculture Alliance reported on a meeting of the Humane Society of the United States. The alliance is a coalition of farmers, farm organizations and others who defend the role of animal agriculture in food production and the economy. It keeps a close watch on animal rights groups and their stance.

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The alliance thus reported remarks from humane society president Wayne Pacelle to the Taking Action for Animals conference: “He urged the audience to continue pursuing animal guardianship laws to replace animal ownership laws. Pacelle suggested using the term ‘Canine Americans’ instead of dogs to emphasize the rights of these animals.”

Barks of laughter greeted this news here at the Producer. Like canine-Americans with a new chew toy, we gnawed on the obvious extensions of this suggestion.

Cowboys would become known as bovine American boys. Hog processing plants would slaughter porcine Americans. Jokes would surround the question of why the avian American crossed the road.

Doubtless animal rights advocates would consider all this to be the feline American’s meow, but in actual practice, the nomenclature would become a canine American’s breakfast. Of course, that would depend on media willingness to become the lap-canine American of the animal rights movement, which is doubtful.

It made for a few days of fun before we decided to let sleeping canine Americans lie.

Then along came another alliance News release

news, this one about the humane society’s reaction to the previous release. They were mad as wet avian Americans.

“Your report is a gross manipulation of Mr. Pacelle’s comments,” the society said to the alliance. “Mr. Pacelle was making a joke, and got out-loud laughter by making fun of political correctness as applied to animal issues.”

The humane society chastised the alliance for its misinterpretation and said if it didn’t get a retraction, that would prove, “beyond any reasonable doubt, that you folks have no sense of humor.”

The alliance dutifully distributed the society’s remarks, and with the gentleness of an ovine American, it apologized “for lacking a sense of humor in these matters.”

No doubt they’ll continue to keep watch on the animal rights movement, but in the meantime, there’s no sense beating a dead equine American.