POLITICAL writers often reveal themselves as suppressed sports
reporters when they lace their stories with game analogies – who’s
ahead, who’s tough in the corners, who’s got the best instinct for the
knockout punch?
They even call politics a blood sport.
So let’s try this technique to describe last week’s political circus in
Ottawa (whoops, wrong metaphor) as an appearance by two veteran boxers
in the agricultural ring.
It was a two-bout card featuring two very different boxers with
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different styles.
The warm-up bout featured Iron Ann Veneman vs. The World as she squared
off against critics of American farm subsidies and the United States
farm bill.
Iron Ann, who toils outside the ring as U.S. agriculture secretary,
seemed to have learned her strategies from former heavyweight champ
Iron Mike Tyson. The best defence is a take-no-prisoners offence.
She faced down her critics from the Canadian government, farm groups
and trade policy wonks with a stout offense and little bobbing and
weaving avoidance.
Jab: It’s obscenely rich. Counterpunch: It’s no richer than what we’ve
been doing, just written down, that’s all.
Jab: It goes against the principles of the World Trade Organization and
America’s commitments.
Counterpunch: No it doesn’t. America is a committed free trader and the
tough new farm bill is needed to wake the world up to the need for
reform.
Jab: Canada says these subsidies will devastate defenseless and
blameless Canadian farmers. Thundering punch: Canada should look in the
mirror. Wheat board, dairy tariffs, protectionism, subsidies. You guys
are as guilty as the rest of us.
The judges give the round to Iron Ann on points, with a special bonus
point in round two for pugilistic audacity.
Next up was the Belleville Bull, Leadfoot Lyle Vanclief vs. the Trade
Mitigation Lobby.
Leadfoot Lyle, who has a day job as Canadian agriculture minister,
seems to have learned his style from Canadian boxing icon George
Chuvalo – lead with your chin and if you are still standing after
another punishing fight, it is at least a moral victory.
Jab: Canadian farmers need help to compete with American subsidies.
Weak counterpunch: I already gave you a bunch of money last year. Get
lost.
Jab: Get real. The U.S. farm bill will depress prices and make Canadian
farmers uncompetitive. Help. Weaker counterpunch: Look fellas, you
don’t know what you’re asking for. Subsidies are bad for you in the
long run. Trust me.
Jab: Why is the government so uncaring? Why won’t you stand up for
agriculture? Counterpunch: I do care about agriculture, I am trying to
find more money. I just don’t like to say it clearly in case
expectations are raised. But go on, hit me again. I can take another
punch.
The judges declare the match a draw and note that since the Belleville
Bull is still standing and refuses to fall under a barrage of punches,
he wins a moral victory and the right to fight again.
They also resolve to ask his trainer if he misread Ali’s rope-a-dope
strategy. You tire out the opponent by letting him stalk you and then
finish him off.
These guys don’t seem to be getting tired.
