I don’t know about you, but when I was a kid, Thumper, the little rabbit in the Disney film Bambi, came out with the line that every parent loved to lay on their children: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
It sounds OK on the surface, but we little ones could smell a rat, even if our parents couldn’t. It simply isn’t possible to always say something nice. Life isn’t always fair and some people are jerks.
Not to be able to say anything about it means we take our negativity underground, where it leaks out sideways and whacks people when they aren’t looking. Maybe we “forget” an important date or become unreasonably stubborn about how the towels have to be folded or the tools put away and woe be to anyone who does it “wrong.”
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Or maybe we give the dog an extra kick, or pinch our little brother when no one is looking.
Some folks take the opposite tack and constantly point out the shortcomings of the people around them, especially their spouses.
They delight in complaining to
their true love about him wearing a dirty shirt to town or her wearing her mascara too thick.
This is not likely to change the other person for the better or
do anything positive for the relationship.
Maybe we don’t complain to our spouse directly, preferring instead to get together with our friends and complain about our spouses collectively, which is dangerous territory, too.
Tilley no sooner complains that her husband Elmer always leaves his dirty clothes in a heap on the floor than Maggie one-ups her with a worse story about her Andy. Pretty soon they have themselves so worked up that they go home
really mad at their husbands.
Or worse yet, Tim complains about how his Teresa cooks the eggs too hard and Anthony says, “you should divorce her.” Not helpful advice.
So what do you do?
Complaining technique
Years ago, I learned a process called the Vesuvius, named after the famous volcano that destroyed the city of Pompeii back in AD 79.
The process comes in handy when you have something you are steamed up about and just want to let off some steam.
You don’t need advice and you are not attacking the person listening to you. It could also be called positive griping.
Here are some rules for positive griping:
- Start on purpose. A lot of griping is random. A Vesuvius is planned. You might say to a friend, after you have explained to her what a Vesuvius is, “I want to have a Vesuvius,” or if you don’t like jargon, “I want to gripe about something.”
Assuming your friend is available for it, she might say, “have at it then” and you are off.
- Really go at it. Now that you are doing it consciously, don’t hold back. Be creative, outrageous, shocking. This is different than the whiney complaining we normally do. You are in charge here, so make it pay.
- If you are the listener, just listen. Avoid the temptation to offer advice or throw in a few complaints of your own. All you need to say is something like, “right on. What else?” until they are done.
- When you are done, quit. When you have completely exhausted the energy of your complaint, say, “Ok, I’m done now.” Pay attention to how you feel after complaining like this.
I remember the first time I tried it I felt free, as though I were in charge of the thing I was complaining about and not it in charge of me.
At the same workshop where I learned about the Vesuvius, I also learned how to give a “haircut,” which is what you do if you have to complain to your spouse about something they have done. The rules here are also simple:
- Let your spouse know you have a complaint and ask for time to talk about it. Agree on a starting and finishing time.
- Even though you are angry, be respectful, and use I statements, such as, “I feel embarrassed when you laugh to others about my dirty shirt.”
- If you are the one “receiving the haircut,” just listen. Don’t throw in counter complaints or, “yes but” your partner (“yes, but remember last week when you left the gate open, what about that, miss perfect?”)
Ask for clarification if you aren’t sure you understand the complaint but don’t make excuses or try to weasel out of it.
- When you have finished with your complaint, stop. Say, “I am done now,” and thank your partner for listening.
Isn’t that better than going to bed mad?
Edmonton-based Noel McNaughton is a former broadcaster and rancher who lectures on farm lifestyle issues at agriculture conventions and for corporations. He can be reached at 780-432-5492, e-mail:noel@midlife-men.com, or visit www.midlife-men.com.
