Have you had this exciting autumn cold yet? Every day, it’s a new and wonderful symptom.
First, you can enjoy the fiery sensation that your sinuses are burning. Then, embrace the feeling of being high on some crazy unnamed drug that fogs your brain and freezes your body. No need for any medication. Your brain is doing it for you, all by itself.
Soon after, there’s the terrific feeling that you are both breathing in and swallowing razor blades.
The really fun part of ingesting razor blades is that it is followed by a complete and utter inability to speak. No talking to colleagues, family, friends or folks in the drug store. It’s an entire day off from talking.
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Then your sinuses begin to flood, right in front of all your colleagues, which is true symptomatic bliss.
It’s so nice that you can spend some time in bed, too, but be sure to make a list. Soft tissues? Check. Gooey Vaseline for red nose? Check. Yummy cough syrup? Mind-altering sinus medication? Warm bed socks? Check, check and check.
Aaah. Cozy up; it’s time to sleep.
Well, that was all fun. It was a lovely cold, and I will miss it now that it’s over … but wait … more razor blades? More goop in the sinuses? Wow. I get to enjoy it all over again.
Are the common cold gods kidding me? I get to do this twice?
Mother Nature, or whoever is in charge, blew it when she created the cold. What good could it possibly do? Massage the immune system? Remind us that a cold is at least better than the flu?
If you want to enjoy your very own cold, it’s easy to do. Here’s what I recommend.
Shake hands with everyone you meet, then rub your eyes.
Kiss people on the lips (that’ll shock ’em) instead of on the cheek.
Work 12 hour days and try not to get any significant sleep.
Hang out at schools, hospitals and gyms.
Get on a plane for at least three hours, especially one with 10 or more passengers who are snorting, honking and coughing.
Inhale as much leaf and grain dust as possible.
That should do the trick.
