WINNIPEG – Too many of us put people last and “stuff” first.
When people live this way, the results can be family unhappiness and individual depression, said Sandra Hayes-Gardiner, keynote speaker for the Manitoba Farm Women’s Conference.
“We forget to put priority on things like a cup of coffee, unhurried; going for a walk with a friend; playing with our kids before bed rather than cleaning the house.
“I believe when we don’t do these things, we pay a heavy price in terms of stress, divorce and violence.”
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Hayes-Gardiner who has a social work degree and a therapy practice in Williams Lake, B.C., said she has seen an increase in eating and sex disorders. Addictive behaviors have replaced intimacy and many people with problems turn to quick fixes and drugs to deal with the pain. Women are three times as likely as men to suffer from depression and receive 60 percent of all prescription drugs in Canada.
The bright side
But it’s not all bad news, she said.
“Fortunately, women are good at relationships.”
Women are also more likely to seek help when they are depressed. And family remains the most important structure to most Canadians. Of all 27 million Canadians, 23 million live in families – of one shape or another, she said.
Newfoundland, with the highest unemployment rate in Canada of about 30 percent, has the lowest divorce rate.
To understand what’s happening, people must know what makes families strong. Communication, values and respect and trust are part of good families, she said.
Life is based on accepting change, says Gordon Colledge, another conference speaker and an educator from Lethbridge Community College. Those who like control and order are in trouble if they can’t adjust.
“Some people are so upset about Christmas and it hasn’t even happened yet,” Colledge said.
Whether it’s a difference between in-laws over when to open gifts or what to serve for supper, these are just our belief systems. It will be better “the sooner people understand they’re just different. No one’s right, no one’s wrong. And, it really doesn’t matter.”
Colledge said people must learn to roll with the punches life throws.
Some reasons people are stressed out
- Money – “A lot of us are just bobbing along with one nostril out of the water and if any ripple comes along, we’re doomed.”
- Career – “There is no security in anything.”
- Family – The old parenting techniques don’t work any more, but our needs are still the same.
- Communication – “All kinds of people are talking but no one’s listening. They’re all formulating what they want to say and they get cranky if you talk too long. … Always acknowledge feelings and then talk about behavior.”
- Sex – Married couples have sex about 68 times a year, according to Statistics Canada. Single people have sex about 52 times a year.
