Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: I understand more women than men reach out to you for help. Society still teaches men that they are a failure unless they are tough and solve their problems on their own. They are then expected to be able to turn their behavior 180 degrees when they get home.
Women are still primary child raisers and have the most influence on a child. Is it safe to assume then, that women must bear more than equal responsibility for young boys having this type of profile when they grow up? I’m not saying this to fault women, but we must understand the problem in order to solve it.
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I see how difficult it will be to change this problem. It is so deeply ingrained in our society that if we want to correct it, professionals like yourself must always be on their toes and sensitive to gender bias.
Obvious gender bias
I feel it is a disservice to men and women as a whole, when an article, like your column of Aug. 3, 1995, carries an obvious gender bias, intended or not. The question happened to be from a female. The exact same letter could have been written by a male.
I believe your answer should always point this out and reflect non-gender bias by using terms like “wo/men,” “s/he,” and “spouse or partner” instead of wife or husband.
A: You’ve raised some points that I agree with, but also some I have to question. I’ve read and re-read my column of Aug. 3, looking for this gender bias. Yes, the headline referred to a husband. It was about a husband! Headlines are done by my editors, not me. Yes, I chose to refer to the woman’s partner as her husband. I did so because she used that phrase herself. If she had called him “my spouse” or “my partner,” I would have responded in kind. I refuse to alter my reader’s letters to try to achieve gender neutrality.
Personal approach
But look at some of my columns which were written as an article, rather than as a reply to a reader’s letter. You’ll discover a big difference. In those columns I use gender-neutral terms regularly, since I am writing to everyone, men and women, not to a particular reader. But in columns that deal with letters, I try to speak as personally as possible to people. Everyone else is just listening in.
In my programs for abusive men, I consistently refer to “partners” or “spouses,” not “wives.” When a man uses the term “my wife” I ask him what her name is, and suggest that in future he refer to her by her name. In doing this, he focuses on her as a unique person, not a thing or a piece of property. If I was working with a women’s group, I’d use the same approach.
I feel you show gender bias in your idea that women must bear responsibility for young boys growing up tough and not having sensitivity. Mothers aren’t the boys’ male role models. Mothers may spend more time with the boys in the first few years, but it’s the contacts with their fathers, or in the case of fatherless homes, with meaningful male figures, that has the greatest effect on the boys.
Since, unfortunately, there aren’t too many sensitive, understanding and emotionally open males around, you can conclude which role model the boys follow. Boys raised around emotionally sensitive and open fathers or male figures tend to grow up the same as them.
The key to social change is not changing how much or the ways that most mothers raise boys, but to make drastic changes to challenge the ridiculous male myths that prevent most men from showing empathy and emotions.
