Q: We have the cutest daughter imaginable. She is sharp, too. Actually that is what worries me.
My husband thinks that because our daughter is intelligent that he can encourage her to make decisions for our family.
Often as not, she is up past her bedtime because she wants to watch something on Treehouse (a television show for kids) and if she doesn’t feel like eating supper when the rest of us do, or if she doesn’t like what the rest of us have, my husband will relent. She has had a number of peanut butter and jam sandwiches rather than proper meals.
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When I talk to my husband about this, he says that his own mother suppressed him when he was a child and he does not want to do the same to our little girl.
He thinks that letting her make decisions is in the long run healthy for her. I am inclined to disagree. What do you think, Mr. Andrews?
My husband and I otherwise get along really well. We love each other dearly and we will certainly not let our disagreements about our daughter hurt our relationship.
A: This is one of those moments that makes me want to say, “stop, stop, you are both right.”
Four-year-old children can make some decisions for themselves, and giving them the opportunity to take on personal responsibilities gives them a confidence that may carry over into adolescence.
But let’s not forget that four-year- olds also need some guidance. It is important that parents accept their responsibilities, even if it means at times disappointing the children.
You and your husband can re-solve your differences by looking at the kinds of decisions that have to be made for children.
You set bed times, meal times and play times. You decide whether or not your children should be wearing winter coats in the midst of a snowstorm, and you make sure that your children are not playing on the streets. Fundamental decisions are key to their survival.
Your child can make comfort decisions. She can decide which fruit she wants for dessert, the color of the dress to wear and who she wants to play with. Who, better than her, would know which book you should read to her at bedtime.
If you and your husband write down which decisions you are going to make and which decisions your daughter can make you can get back to supporting each other and your daughter.
You need to do this exercise annually or even more frequently to keep up to your maturing daughter.
