Q: Does it ever help to tell a friend that his or her spouse is fooling around? Or is it better to just shut up and pretend you didn’t know, when they eventually find out.
A: Many readers may have faced this dilemma. It’s impossible to give one absolute answer to that question as there are many variables to consider. There is no absolute yes or no, but a lot of maybes.
The underlying issue is whether you will help or hurt a friend if you tell them that his or her spouse is having an affair. If you don’t have the facts straight, or are responding mainly to second-hand stories or rumors, you could be accusing someone unfairly and do a great deal of harm to both parties. On the other hand, if you know for sure, and when your friend discovers the truth he or she also discovers you kept real facts from them, you may indeed jeopardize your friendship.
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The personal safety of the delinquent spouse and his or her lover might be at stake. Some people can become aggressive, even dangerous, when they suspect or confirm their partner is having an affair. Most of the marital murders in our country are related to affairs or suspected affairs. So, if the person has a history of severe jealousy or violence, do not tell them about an affair their partner may be having, even if you do have the facts right.
How to tell
If you know for sure and are reasonably sure that nobody involved would be at risk of physical harm, then you might handle it in one of the following ways.
You might choose not to tell them, either because you don’t think you can do so, because you doubt if they’ll believe you or because you’ll lose them as a friend. In Roman times, the messenger who brought bad news from the battlefield was often killed by the person to whom he told the news.
You could tell the delinquent spouse, if you know him or her well enough, that you know of their activity and suggest it might be better for them to be honest with their partner themselves, instead of the partner learning about it from someone else. That is how most affairs are revealed. Once they realize others know of it, it’s harder for the spouse to keep deceiving not only their partner but also themselves.
If you decide to tell your friend who is being cheated on, do so in the right setting, apart from others, and with enough time that you can stay with them while they absorb this perhaps shocking information. Be with them when they first begin to work through the pain and keep in close touch with them. Watch for signs of depression, such as tiredness, inability to concentrate, crying incessantly, too much or too little sleep, or more importantly, any thoughts about the lack of value in continuing to live. If you see these signs, make sure your friend sees a family doctor or counsellor right away.
The answer to your question is not easy. It’s a very tough decision, perhaps one of the toughest you may have to make in your life. But if you assess the situation carefully, make a thoughtful decision and most importantly, follow up by maintaining your friendship, you will be of help regardless of what that decision is.
