Q: I am not too sure what I am going to do about my Mom.
She visits at least four times weekly and sometimes more.
When she comes over, she seems to want to take over and start going after my children much as she did when I was a little girl. It is almost like she and I are in some kind of competition over who is going to be the mother of the kids.
Apart from being annoying, I am not sure that this is good for my children. I do not want to start putting rules and regulations on when my Mom can visit us. That seems to me to be cruel. But I am not sure that I have an option. What do you think?
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A: Let’s start at the beginning. If all of us were terribly honest both with ourselves and with each other we would admit that all of us harbour at least some guilt for the ways in which we raised our children.
No matter how good you were as a parent, there are lingering memories of when you got a little too impatient with your children, or when you overlooked something and there are those times when you did not give your children the encouragement they deserved.
I think that everyone has said to himself or herself, “I would give anything to have that moment in time when I was less than a respectable parent over once again.”
But, of course, that cannot happen.
A great poet once said, “what might have been is an abstraction remaining a perpetual possibility only in a world of speculation.”
In real words, what this means is that regardless of the regret or self-condemnation, that which was out of line cannot be done over. What happened, happened.
The real problem is that some people harbouring guilt in the valley of self-esteem might in an almost unconscious way try to resolve their personal misgivings by taking on the grandchildren and trying to do better than they did with their grandchildren’s parents.
If that is what your mother is doing, you should sit down and have a quiet discussion with her. It needs to stop.
Your mother, along with any number of grandfathers and grandmothers, can contribute to the well-being of her grandchildren in three primary ways.
- She and grandparents in general are the natural cheering squad for whatever it is that the kids are doing. Grandparents do not even need to fully know or understand what is going on in school or in the track club. All that they need to know is that the grandchildren did something for which they are proud and the grandparents can yell, “way to go,” and that moment of self-esteem for the grandchildren will glow.
- The second way grandparents can contribute is to be the closet of refuge when life is not going so well. No matter how bad things get for the grandchildren, a hug and a kiss and a word of encouragement will help relieve distress. The hug and the kiss may not make it better, but they really feel good.
- Finally, grandparents can be there for Mom and Dad. The occasional overnight at Granny’s house, or a babysitting so that Mom and Dad can have a time out together without the children to rekindle their marital relationship does wonders for the surviving family. Now remember, I am not asking the grandparents to raise the children. They are simply really good unpaid baby sitters.
If your mom would agree to at least consider limiting herself to the big three in second-generation responsibilities, she and you can continue to have a remarkable working relationship and your children will get the real benefits of time with Granny.
