Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: How does a relationship between a man and a woman work? What do most men need and want from a woman? What are their expectations? What are some steps a woman can take in building and maintaining a relationship, starting with friendship and working toward marriage? What are some things a woman can do in working on a long-distance relationship where meetings are limited?
I’d like to build a relationship with a man, but never seem able to. I’ve been told it has to be the right person before it can work. I agree. I’ve had a number of relationships that only lasted a couple of months.
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A: You’ve asked a lot of good questions. I’ll try to answer them in order. A relationship between a man and woman works because they both work at making it continue. They balance concern and love for the other person with concern and love for themselves.
A man’s wants and needs from a relationship depend on his maturity and his belief system. If he is trapped in the false beliefs that a man is supposed to be in charge and that his partner is supposed to take care of him, the relationship either will not last or will be very unhealthy for his partner.
Each person has a uniquely personal belief system, so every man’s wants and needs will be different.
A mature, caring man will desire partnership, friendship, openness and honesty. His needs will vary depending on his life experience, but his true needs from his partner for a healthy relationship are the same as his wants.
A healthy man will expect a woman to respect him, accept him, care for him and be a partner and friend. An unhealthy man will expect a woman to take care of him and be responsible for him.
Invest energy, emotions
You build a relationship by investing time, energy and emotions in it. Sharing your thoughts and feelings is important, but listening to, respecting and accepting your partner’s thoughts and feelings are even more important. You don’t have to think or feel the way he or she does, but you need to work at understanding your feelings. And don’t worry. Most married people will quickly confess that they never totally understand their partners. That’s part of what keeps a relationship fresh and alive.
The best marriages start as friendships, with no romantic or sexual pressures. Not all friendships become romances, but those that do tend to be stronger and more stable. The greatest compliment one spouse can give the other is “You’re also my best friend.”
Long-distance relationships are more difficult to develop. Unfortunately, absence doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder, only lonelier. Regularly scheduled get-togethers are important.
But watch out for the “re-entry tension” which is often experienced, not in the first few hours, but in your first day back together. This is a period of irritability with each other which can dampen your enjoyment unless you recognize its presence and do not take it too seriously.
As far as the “right person” is concerned, there are situations where chemistry occurs between two people. But that is the exception, not the rule. Being outgoing, meeting as many people as possible and quickly discarding those who don’t show honesty, respect and consideration, are the best ways to eventually meet the person who turns out to be right for you.
