Q: I am really worried about our son. He once had a great job driving truck for an oil company, but was laid off in early January and has been unemployed since then.
I am not sure what he did at work but he made a lot of money and he got on well with the other guys on the job. At the moment he is not doing much of anything.
He seldom goes out of his little house and won’t come over to our place for supper if anyone else is there. It is like he is embarrassed about this whole thing. Do you think that his father and I can do anything to help him?
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A:With today’s economy being as uncertain as it is, your son does not need to be self-conscious about being unemployed. Many people are waiting for their call backs to work in the oil patch these days. No one is certain how long that wait is going to be.
If your son is embarrassed about being unemployed, you and he might want to talk about that.
According to David Keltner, a professor in psychology at the University of California, being embarrassed is more than feeling a little awkward or clumsy at a given time.
The root cause of embarrassment is a desire to belong or to be a part of a social network. The fear is that something a person says or does will cause others to shy away from him.
Your son seems to think that being unemployed is like having a contagious disease and that people are not going to reach out to him for fear that they too will get the illness. It is almost as if he has turned his house into the local leprosy colony.
To get through this, your son needs to do more than tinker around, keeping himself busy, until he gets his call from one of the oil companies. He needs to get involved, and he probably needs you to encourage him to get involved.
One guy I know waiting for a call back from an oil company is busy with his son, running back and forth to various town hall meetings in an attempt to get the community to build a skate board park for the kids. He is busy with his children and his neighbours.
Another is taking apart old car engines and marketing their parts to garages. I doubt that he makes any money at this, but he gets to chit-chat and negotiate with people and that keeps him involved in his community.
In one town, three people are cleaning the back lot of the golf course to build a driving range. This is volunteer work at its best and culminates with the three of them meeting others at the golf course to chat over a cup of coffee.
The message throughout all of this for you and your son is, as Keltner said, that you get over being embarrassed by connecting to other people.
When you do something silly or inane, or when you feel awkward and uncomfortable, as you might by being unemployed, you can either withdraw and wish that it had never happened, or you can say, oops, and smile pleasantly to those around you.
Chances are good that if you smile, no matter how hard it might be, you will get over the embarrassment quickly and carry on with your daily routines with more enthusiasm than you might otherwise have had.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
