Q: Seven years ago my sister found out that her husband was being unfaithful. She immediately took her children into town, found herself a little house and sued her husband for a divorce. The divorce went through quickly and her ex-husband settled without too much of a complaint. I used to understand my sister’s bitterness about the divorce but that was seven years ago. Today she is still bitter. I would like to help her, but I am not sure what to do.
A: When the bitterness from a disappointing marriage goes beyond a normal grieving spell of two to five years, we might assume that it is doing something for the person other than helping her resolve her personal disappointments. The bitterness may well serve as protection so that your sister will not let herself get involved in another intimate relationship.
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She thinks she will not get disappointed and hurt again if she stays away from intimacy.
Unfortunately, she will also not have the opportunity to share in the comfort and joy that an intimate relationship can bring.
Your sister’s assumption, which likely is the same one that her family and friends have, is that her marriage broke down because her husband had an affair. But research tells us that is probably not true. More likely is that some-thing was missing from the marriage before her husband had the affair.
If she and her husband had had a successful marriage, he would not have been tempted to look elsewhere for satisfaction.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not exonerating her husband. What he did was wrong and destructive. But problems within the marriage were not totally his fault. Both of them contributed to their marital difficulties, and each must honestly examine themselves before getting involved with another person.
Your sister needs to look at how she is relating to other people, including you. Perhaps as she learns to appreciate herself more, she will also appreciate other people more.
As she becomes more comfortable with her feelings, she will be more comfortable with the feelings of other people. That will help overcome the burden of bitterness.
My hope is that your sister will see a counsellor. If she understands her part in relationships she will not need her bitterness to protect her. She might even be willing to take another chance at intimacy.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
