Q:We are not sure what to do about our children. We can never give them presents, buy them treats or have special events with them without one of them complaining that we have been unfair. We would like to have one Christmas or birthday without complaining. What can we do so that our son, nine, and daughter, seven, understand that we are being as fair as we can with them?
A:In studies done in the 1960s, psychologists took two identical bags, put the same amount of candy in each one and gave the bags to pairs of brothers and sisters. What they noticed was that one of the children was sure that he had been shortchanged. They were not to be convinced otherwise, no matter how hard the psychologists tried.
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The troublesome truth for you is that once you get caught in a fairness game with your children, you cannot do much to convince them that you are being as fair and reasonable as you can with them.
Family therapists generally agree that children who frequently complain about fairness are not really trying to get more goods or services but are more likely trying to create tension in the home.
All of it amounts to power struggles. The more you try to be fair with your children, the more likely it is that they will claim that you have mistreated them.
To deal with fairness, you and your wife need to make note of each of your children’s individual strengths and talents. Your task is to help each child to develop his or her talents or skills as much as you can, regardless of what is happening to the other child.
As you work with each child to help him build his skills, you might find yourself spending either more time or money with one than you are with the other.
Hockey equipment is more expensive than dance dresses but over the long term, things have a tendency to balance out. What becomes important is not the amount of money or time you have spent but the extent to which each of your children has been given the appropriate opportunities to maximize their skills.
What becomes exciting through all of this is watching your children as they mature into individual and independent adults.
When that happens, you will know that you have successfully passed the test of parenthood.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com .
