We have a movement afoot to remove the word “should” from our daily vocabulary. Apparently the word does more harm than good.
We know that communities are successful when they have rules to help their residents live peacefully with each other. The rules are the shoulds of good community living. They are useful.
But when shoulds are taken to a psychological level, driving us into regret for so much of what we might have done over the years, the guilt may cause problems for many of us.
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We should put ourselves into more nutritional diets but we don’t, and then we feel guilty. We should cut down on those Saturday afternoon drinks but we don’t and, again, we feel guilty. We should be nicer to our loved ones, vote in provincial and federal elections, pay some of our loans, visit our aging relatives, work a little harder, apologize to just about everyone we meet, go for a medical every couple of years, contribute to most fundraising drives, and the list goes on and on.
Guilt is loaded with opportunities to help us feel bad about ourselves. The word should is just a quick way of helping us get there.
Like everything else, the guilt we feel can be useful. It is our mind’s way of reminding us that we might not want to make a mistake again. It is a psychological watchdog.
But when our guilt is out of control, it inhibits us, stops us from doing that which is important, and runs interference with personal relationships that are otherwise important to us. It needs to be kept in check.
An escape route from feeling too much guilt is to replace should with the word “could.”
I could go on a diet, and probably I would feel better if I did, but nothing in the books says that I have to do it. It is just an option. I could save a few extra dollars in a sparate bank account, and probably if I did I would not have to worry so much when times are tough, but I don’t have to do that either. It is another option. Just as the word should deprives us of the opportunity to decide things for ourselves, the word “could” opens the door to self determination.
The next time you are giving yourself heck for something you might have done differently, try saying the word could rather than using the word should. You will be surprised at how much more relaxed you will become.
The same is true for our children. When we tell them what they should be doing, we are setting ourselves up for a confrontation with them. They will demand to know why they should be doing what we are telling them, and then argue with whatever it is that we explain to them.
But if we tell them what they could be doing and we let them deal with the consequences when they do not accept our suggestions, they will learn the merits of co-operative living.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
