Lack of respect is one of the biggest causes of abusive behavior in human relationships.
Respect means regarding a person as someone of worth, and accepting them as they are, not what you want them to be. Respect means treating a person as an equal to you, and not somebody to be manipulated or used.
It seems simple, doesn’t it? Why is there so much disrespect in relationships between parents and children, between marriage partners and between adults and aging parents?
Disrespect is the result of faulty beliefs. Unless you believe someone is worth your full respect, you won’t give that respect. Unless you believe that someone else has the right to have their own feelings and thoughts and make their own decisions, you will expect that you have the right to decide what they feel, think and do.
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Many men who have been in abuse programs that I have run insisted that they loved their wives. I didn’t challenge that, but I did challenge them to look at the lack of respect they showed her, and to realize that love and disrespect are contradictory.
It turns out that these husbands worshiped their wives from the perspective of what they expected or wanted the women to be. Their love was an “ownership love” instead of a “freedom-giving” love.
They were only respecting the things in her they wanted or believed that they deserved to get. They were not respecting her completely as a person.
It can be scary to respect all of a person, especially when you don’t like certain things about them.
You have a right to express to them what feelings you are having, but you don’t have any right to
try to change them, or to try to mould them into what you want them to be.
“I feel left out when you go to three bingos a week” is an expression of feelings. You are respecting yourself, but not attacking her. “You and your damn bingos” is a disrespectful verbal and emotional attack.
“I would like us to schedule time together. I wonder if you are willing to discuss it and explore ideas with me?” respects her authority over her life as well as your desires.
“We never spend time together,” “You don’t care about me,” or “Why can’t you allow some time in your life for me?” are disrespectful statements.
In the next few columns, I plan to look at the importance of respect in relationships.
