Q: I love my husband, but I feel anxious at the walls that come up between us that prevent us from talking things out. Do you have any ideas to help?
A: Walls exist whenever two people try to communicate. Each person has her own meaning to the words she uses, and her own purpose about what she is trying to communicate.
Walls are useful when we want privacy, but can be a problem when we want to be emotionally close and intimate with someone.
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Think of a physical wall. The person on each side has a different perspective. One or both may be trying to send a message through the wall.
The best way to shrink a wall between people is to acknowledge the other person’s point of view, not by mind reading, but by exploring and asking in a respectful way. The more you work at understanding the other person’s point of view, the thinner the wall will become.
Miscommunication causes the wall to thicken. If you think that someone said something disrespectful or hurting, you instinctively increase the barrier.
“Let me check. This is what I think I heard you saying,” is one way to stop the wall from growing. It lets the other person know that you are concerned about his views, ideas and feelings.
Despite how close people are, sometimes they never get rid of that wall. But with caring, thoughtfulness and time, the wall may become translucent. You can’t read the message directly because it is backwards but you are more likely to check your partner’s message to avoid misunderstandings.
You still have to wrestle with and handle the differences you may have but at least you both have a full understanding of what you are dealing with.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is wwwsasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
