Q: I’m a professional woman in her late twenties. I dated a farmer for about a year and he broke up with me. He no longer wanted to be in the relationship. We were both under a lot of outside stress at that time. Now, five months later, I am still upset and sad over this. I feel we didn’t even try to work things out. His decision was sudden and one-way. I tried to talk to him, but he didn’t want to. He was very sad, too.
I’ve seen him around more the last couple of months. I think he still has feelings for me. I don’t know if I should approach him. He is very shy and would probably never approach me.
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I felt we were really right for each other. I still feel the same way toward him when I see him. I believe we need to talk but I can’t force him. I am also afraid of rejection if I do approach him.
I’ve kept very busy these past months taking numerous courses and staying active with work and in sports. But I can’t talk about this situation with others because nobody takes it seriously. I have been on a few other dates, but it didn’t feel right. I just feel it isn’t over yet.
A: Thanks for talking with me. By writing to me, you began to help yourself. My reply to you has two parts. The first deals with communicating with your ex-boyfriend. And by the way, you may already have done so with this
column.
Send him a friendship letter. Point out the things you value in him. Be honest about your feelings for him. Also be honest about the effects those stresses had on your contribution to the relationship. Finally, ask him if he would like to meet to talk about your friendship and the possibility of re-establishing your relationship.
This is risky. Prepare yourself for the possibility that he may reject you. But even if this happens, you will know you have done whatever you could have done. If he clearly says he doesn’t want to rebuild the relationship, then you will have to work at letting him go. If he would like to work on the relationship, then write back to me and I’ll give you the names of some books that can help couples with this task.
By the way, don’t expect to write this letter in one try. Work on it every second day. When you think you’ve finished it, put it away for a week. Then take it out and edit it further if necessary, until the letter communicates well how you feel.
The second part of my reply deals with accepting that the relationship is truly finished, if that is what it turns out to be. This is tough. Every breakup hurts. It is the loss of a friendship, and of a hoped-for future with someone. Rushing out and dating again seldom solves the problem.
Learning To Love Again by Mel Krantler and Re-Building by Bruce Fisher both give helpful advice for coping with broken marriages or relationships.
