Q: We have an 18-year-old son who started farming with his father while keeping a full-time job elsewhere. He is not lazy, but he does procrastinate and he tends to look for the easy way to do things.
This does not go over with his father and often the two of them are locked into confrontations. I get caught in the middle and I don’t like it.
Why don’t they get along? Our other boy also works with his father but he tends not to say much. If he is upset with his father, he keeps it to himself.
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Of course, my husband likes the quieter one, which also presents problems. The 18-year-old senses that his father favours his brother and he is hurt that he does not get praise for his contributions.
There is no harmony in our home. I just want a family farm where everyone works well together and gets along and enjoys each other. What can I do about all of this conflict?
A: The family farm, the ultimate dream for many of those who work the land in the prairie sunsets, involves fathers and sons working together, brothers and sisters supporting each other, and aunts and uncles and cousins helping each fall with harvest. It is a lovely thought.
While this dream is a reality for some, it is a nightmare for others, as it appears to be for you. Tensions and anxieties wreak havoc and bring criticism and contempt for those trying to work together. Instead of harmony, the farm is filled with animosity.
I do not know the magic formula for successfully encouraging harmony on the farm. I doubt there is one.
However, I know some of the elements that exist in a successful family farm and I suspect that if we review them, you might get ideas to encourage you and your family.
Mutual respect is the most important feature of a successful family farm.
In families that are working well together, the wisdom that Mom and Dad have accumulated from years on the land is successfully integrated with the enthusiasm and new technology that their adult children bring.
At times they disagree with each other, but the discussions or arguments that follow seldom cross the line into interpersonal contempt.
From what you have said in your question, it would appear that mutual respect is lacking in your farm.
Responsibility is another important ingredient in successful family farms.
Everyone has made mistakes, but the mistakes shouldn’t be used as fodder for blaming the other person for the bad years. Instead, he who has erred recognizes the indiscretion as a learning opportunity and everyone benefits from it. They make it through the tough times together.
This is not to suggest that no one complains. Of course they do, and some complain more than others. Farming is a gamble, challenging the odds of a fair market economy, decent weather and reasonable government support. It is not always there.
The trick is to complain without being critical, to be disappointed without blaming someone else and to accept that at times the power of fate is greater than your brother’s weaknesses for putting forward a bad year with a poor return on the farm’s investment.
Successful family farms also thrive on communication.
The talks are ritualized on some farms. Members of these families have regular meetings, take notes and promise in writing what they are to do to help the farm.
In other families, the communication is more informal. They just stop and talk it out when tensions are a little higher than they need to be.
I doubt that the informal talks are going to work on your farm. You probably need to start with formal meetings, as does any farm where communications have been a problem. The informal chats can come later.
It may take a while, but if you pay attention to the three elements, you will eventually find the harmony for which you are looking.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
