Q: My stepson, 8, is driving me crazy. His natural mother died shortly after he was born and life was chaotic for him and his dad before we were married. The three of us have been together for two years now and I think that my stepson should be settling into more normal behaviour. He is more anxious than any kid I have ever seen. At times he is defiant, and he often talks constantly without listening to anything either his dad or I have to say. Can you help us with this one?
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A: You are in a difficult position that will require considerable patience and understanding to resolve.
It takes longer for children to learn to feed themselves, to walk and become independent compared to animal babies.
Children’s emotional and intellectual development is also less complete at birth than for other species. Children are short on instincts. They need to learn to understand the world if they are to survive, and they begin to develop those understandings in the first relationships they have with their mothers.
When those relationships do not work out, emotional and intellectual appreciations for the world are in jeopardy. The world can be confusing and they might find themselves caught in insecurity and anxiety.
You and your husband need to structure your stepson’s daily routines. Set regular meal times, bed times, 20 minute quiet times and regular contact times with you and his dad. Your job is to listen as much as you can during those contact times. The structure you are providing is not designed to teach him how to live. It is, instead, a moment of safety.
He needs the opportunity to figure things out for himself. The more he can predict when he will be fed and looked after, the less he will have to worry.
This is a long and difficult process, and because your stepson had such a tough time with the loss of his mom, it will be even harder for him. Try to remember as you are going through it that he may have a moment or two of defiance. His anxiety is just a reflection of his attempts to survive in a world that has not always been fair to him.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
